So It Is

Recently, the subject of blogging and how personal one should be when writing came up. The agreed upon fear of someone reading it and knowing you were talking about them. Have you revealed too much, too little? Is it boring? Is there a line that should never be crossed? Should your blog be like your diary?

Dear Blog,
Today I made pancakes and stared at the pile of dishes in the sink until, finally, deciding to walk away and leave them for another day.

Dear Blog,
Does he like me? Circle yes or no.

I can certainly understand these fears. You’re writing is sent out into the world to be read by friend and foe alike, by those in your intimate circle and by perfect strangers. Today, I decided: Fuck it! What’s the point if I’m not also getting some kind of cathartic release from writing? Isn’t that sometimes the point? I’ve played it too close to the vest so far. Which leads to today’s topic: Friendship.

Friendship is supposed to be easy. Next to familial relationships, they require the least amount of work to be successful. The rules of friendship are simple and finite:

1. Be respectful
2. Have fun, even when you’re not having fun
3. If you have a problem, talk it out
4. Be there for each other if and when they need it

I may not be the best friend at all times, but I am loyal to a fault and can forgive minor infractions better than I ever imagined I could. I really want to believe that my friends are there for me as I have been for them. I want to believe that they don’t have ulterior motives, that they are not vindictive or cruel.

Friendship is a little hard for me. I went through a revolving door of friendships, a new one each year, until high school. Of those friends, I am now only in passing acquaintance with two. It’s hard for me to trust people. I don’t let anyone get too close. I try never to show weakness. I want to be in control. I want to be the rock for which they come to lean.

Today, I finalized the end of a 7 year friendship. I never saw it coming. We had been through so much together: multiple jobs, a divorce, the beginning and end of relationships, the 4 AM phone calls when she’d had a fight with her boyfriend and was sitting in a 7-11 parking lot crying. We vacationed together. All of this came to a standstill Saturday.

The reason she has no interest in apologizing for her behavior or mending this friendship is because I’m mean. I post unflattering pics of her online (which I removed when she asked me too, and besides; it’s not my fault you are unable to smile in a photo and are unhappy with your body. This is how you look). I don’t drop everything when she mentions in passing an activity she wants to do within the next three days. My memory is not perfect. If there’s something you want to do, but not today, you should remind me. Apparently, telling someone you would be bummed if they didn’t hang out with you on your last day in town is grounds for turning off your phone and ignoring their calls wondering where you are. You can then let your friends treat them rudely and expect no consequence.

The reality is: I may be a bit harsh at times. I have a problem with keeping my thoughts and opinions too myself, especially with friends whom you are supposed to be able to be honest with. I love taking pictures and would rather put one up of you not smiling, then have no proof of your existence at all.

I try never to let bad feelings build up until there is nothing to be done about them. I am the first to come to you, although it will be hard for me as I don’t like conflict with friends, and say, “Hey, when you do this, it make me feel…”

I’m rambling a bit now, and I apologize. It’s just…

My Dad says I should watch how I open myself to others. Almost, that I should be vigilante in looking for faults and avoiding them. If I did, if I went back to the girl I was in school, I wouldn’t have any friends at all. I’d become a hermit, sitting at home with a bottle of Jack in one hand and a pink lady Bic in the other. I can’t go back there. A friend, who I think I may be able to starting calling my good friend, said recently that she realized what a social creature she was. That she needed to be around people as much as possible or she’d just be depressed. I certainly understand that concept. We are social animals. We need interaction. I love sitting at home, reading a book or watching a movie, maybe drinking a glass or two from my box o’wine; but I have to go out at some point too. I have to let someone in, at least a little, to have a connection with another breathing soul.

I thought this person was a friend I would be happy to call “My Friend” for years to come. I guessed wrong.

No sooner had I read her cold reply to my heartfelt email about the situation that transpired this weekend, then she had already “un-friended” me from Facebook. Ouch. That was supposed to be my big move! Do I erase all pictures of her from my photo albums? Do I photo shop her out of the nice ones of me and of other people? Is it sad that we now think in terms of Facebook when dissolving a relationship? Used to be, you just erased their number from your phonebook. Now, I have to think about all this.

I’m surprised by how un-upset I am. Perhaps, it’s because I knew this was coming since Sunday. Perhaps, because I already got my good cry out of the way. Either way, it’s done. The end of an era (if we’re speaking in the “Friends” definition of an era. How eerie that that episode was on last night?).

An Open Letter to Goodyear Tire:

Last night I fucked my car up. One flat tire, and another one that simple exploded taking the hubcap with it. I couldn’t believe it. It is the family curse. Anytime something nice happens, something far worse is sure to follow.

So, I spent the night sitting on curb of a church parking lot waiting for AAA and my folks to show up and rescue me. First, I want to say what lovely people AAA is. The operator was very patient with me and even asked if “I felt safe”. How did she know my neighborhood so well?! Thankfully, I was just outside “Murderville” and felt pretty secure. I only saw one suspected crack head but was more concerned about the family of five walking down a busy street at night. Clearly they were members of some sort of grifter gang or rogue pack of accountants- much scarier!

When Stephen from A Tow 4 You showed up it was efficient and friendly. We agreed to take my car to the Firestone nearby and off we went. I should have known this was too easy. What did I just say about me luck? I don’t have it. The Firestone parking lot is down the street from the bar district and was covered in tow away signs. I got nervous. The girl who finally answered the number for the tow company could not assure me that my car would not get towed. She didn’t care that the car couldn’t even be driven they would find a way to take it. Added to this: Firestone has no answering machine, service, or care. Ring…ring….ring… I was going to stab myself in the ear or throw a rock at their window. Our fabulous tower saw the guy who tows from that area and drove over to ask him if we were safe there. He said yes, but Stephen didn’t trust him. He got into his truck and drove down the street to Goodyear to see if they had tow signs. They didn’t so we loaded up my car again and took it down the street. All free! A big shout out to Stephen and the fine crew at A Tow 4 You!

I called Goodyear and left them a message saying I was leaving my car outside. Their machine also listed an emergency number, so I called that one too. The guy who answered offered to send the manager out to move my car inside so it would be safer. Less then ten minutes later, one of the mechanics and his friend drove up and looked at my car.

“You know, I think I have these tires in stock. Let’s just take care of this now”

That’s right! At 10 PM on a Friday, my savior Beau and his friend opened the store, gave my mother and I free reign over the TV and put two new tires on my car. Amazing!! I couldn’t believe it.

“That’s just the kind of service we offer here at Goodyear”

You can say that again.
Should you ever find yourself in a similar situation, I highly recommend the fine people at Goodyear. They will certainly get my business from now on. After all was said and done, I went home and passed out. Clearly, I was not supposed to leave my house. The signs could not have been clearer. Thank you thank you thank you!!