Fright Fest: Parlez-vous horreur Psychologique?

Yesterday I mentioned my fear of dolls when I was a child. I've out grown it (to some extent; adults with china dolls is odd) and upgraded to more reality based fears. The ghoul under the bed has been replaced by an intruder, dolls replaced with ghosts, and people as predator. The human condition and psyche scares me a hell of a lot more than Pinhead (though don't tell him that on the safe side). With adulthood also comes a deepening respect for films outside the English language. I always liked foreign films, I was raised in a household that believed that to be important, so I never had to overcome the hurdles that others find difficult to leap over. Reading subtitles is second nature to me and I could wax poetic about the films that get it right and those that get it wrong. I love the intimacy in foreign films, how they push boundaries and discuss complex and often controversial topics. I love how quiet they are.

So without further adieu, my list of the best foreign and psychological films for you this Halloween:

Foreign:

"Pan's Labrynth" - I swear, I had no idea how often some people would show up on this list! Guillermo del Toro is at it again with this deeply moving and disturbing film about a young girl living in war torn Spain with her mother and evil stepfather. While exploring her new home, she discovers a labyrinth and befriends the mysterious Pan. You'll never guess how this all plays out.

True story: I have a bit of a problem with laughing at inopportune times at the movies, this being one of them. I saw this in a small packed theatre with a bunch of friends. I will admit to laughing out loud at one scene but that just seemed to make the guy behind me think this was acceptable behaviour. Every time he laughed, I got shushed! I swear I only did it once. That being said, this is the kind of movie people either love or hate. For me, it's a beautifully twisted fairy tale reminiscent of the ones my father told me as a child. Oddly enough, he hopes to never see it again as the ending bothered him. I can see why, but for the same reasons he hated it I loved it. To each his own.

"Mother of Tears" - The final installment of Italian horror mastermind Dario Argento's Three Mothers trilogy ("Suspiria", "Inferno") ends when an American art student (Asia Argento, daughter) opens an ancient urn that unleashes the Mother of Tears, a powerful and vengeful witch, onto the people of Rome.

Argento makes some of the most interesting and confusing films I've ever seen. They're almost like a train wreck- I have no idea what's going on half the time but I can't look away. Maybe it has something to do with the awful dubbing that his films have when released in the US. I want subtitles people! Of course, how are you going to pass Asia as American when she couldn't lose her accent if you paid her (and they have) or threatened to feed her to a ravenous bear. Still, who cares? That's not what his movies are about. They're about the power of persuasion, mythology, the fragility of women, and blood, and guts, and boobs. If you are not already a fan of B-movies (don't tell me because then we can't be friends) or dubbed films, skip his body of work, educate yourself, learn to like it, then rent them. Otherwise, a great weekend could be spent with these tales of a mother's love that only an Italian could make.

"Night Watch" & "Day Watch" Double Feature- The powers of good and evil try to win a war that's been waging for centuries. The Night Watch are a group of "Others" that patrol and monitor the Day Watch. One are light/good and the other dark/bad, however the lines between the two are often blurred even as alliances are not. Witches, vampires, shape shifters, psychics, ancient prophecies, oh my!

Based on the popular book series by Sergei Lukyanenko and helmed by Timur Bekmambetov ("Wanted"), this duo are the highest grossing films in Russian history. That may not sound impressive to you, but one viewing and you will be converted. It's depressing actually, to see what can be done in a fledgling film community with a fraction of the dollars we typically spend on FX heavy films. Things I love: it's a great companion to the books (both films are based off the 1st book, "Night Watch"), the FX are amazing and crucial to the storytelling, the acting is great, both the subtitles and dubbing are done in house by Bekmambetov so you know they are top notch. I suggest watching the subtitled version first- the captions scroll across the screen, slide from top to bottom, and generally go where your eye needs to be. You never lose any of the action! What I don't like: Bekmambetov says "Wanted" tapped him out for ideas he would have used on the 3rd and final film ("Twilight Watch"), leaving a gaping hole in the hearts of fans. Get to it Timur!!

"Cold Prey" & "Dead Snow" Double Feature- "Cold Prey" is a tight Norwegian thriller about a group of extreme sports enthusiasts/med students who get trapped in an abandoned hotel after one of them breaks their leg. "Dead Snow" is a both gory and often funny Norwegian film about a group of med students who get trapped in their cabin by ravenous Nazi zombies. Oh yea, you heard me right- Nazi zombies.

Clearly it is a bad idea to go off into the mountains for any reason in Norway. It is also clear that the country is enjoying a bit of Renaissance film wise with so many amazing and wonderful works being produced their recently. I really like the idea of these two movies together. "Prey" has a kind of "Texas Chainsaw Masacre" feel to it but with more blood and suspense. "Snow" starts as a typical kids lost in the woods (insert snow here) before going into traditional zombie territory. Somewhere into the 3rd act it becomes a comedy though and you laugh through the sickness. It also has two of the most disgusting scenes I've seen in recent history. All I'll say is: Outhouse and Face mask. Trust me, you want to see this. It doesn't hurt that both films are written well, acted well (i.e. straight), and the subtitles seem to be good as well. I'll need a Norwegian to help me with that one though. I cannot wait to see what else the country has in store for us in the future.

[side note: Also rent the "Dead Snow" bonus disc. It is full of behind the scenes featurettes, making of's, and a great multi-part documentary of the cast and crew on their way to Sundance.]

Psychological:

"Session 9" - A team of asbestos removers clean an abandoned psychiatric hospital, however the discovery of recorded patient sessions mixed with the generally eerie feeling of the hospital soon lead the crew to believe it's haunted. Or is it?

Prior to this film, Brad Anderson was known for light indie fare (see "Next Stop Wonderland"). Whatever was going through his mind when he came up with this, I wish would happen again. This is one of the creepiest movies without blood or FX I've ever seen. Like a really amazing episode of "Ghost Hunters" (screw you "Ghost Hunters: International"!). Peter Mullan ("Young Adam") and Josh Lucas ("Sweet Home Alabama") are especially brilliant. You won't even mind David Caruso, well maybe a little. A truly amazing ghost story.

"Pandorum" - Once again a space crew are awoken from hyper-sleep, this time with a major case of amnesia. As their memories return, they realize they may not be alone aboard the ship.

The trailers for this film were a bit vague and I loved it. Too often, nee all the time, we are given trailers that are not the teasers they're meant to be but the movie whittled down to 120 seconds. If I wanted to see everything in the trailer I wouldn't go to the movies, I'd read spoiler blogs. Tangent aside, this movie really surprised me. The twist at the end kind of pissed me off but the path that got us there was well made and full of surprise performances. Add to my "Can They Be In Everything" list: Ben Foster. I'm not ashamed to say I've been a fan since "Fast Forward" (and I was way to old to be a fan then and I am now!) and have followed his career, seeing as much as I can.

"Moon"- see my previous review here.

"Eden Lake" - A young couple hope to get away from the hustle and bustle of London by going camping at a favorite lake. Things go from idyllic to devastating when a gang of teens starts to harass, stalk, and terrorize them.

Let me admit right off the bat that the only reason I rented this movie was because it starred Michael Fassbender ("Hunger", "Inglourious Basterds"), may new film obsession. I'm also a big fan of Kelly Reilly ("L'Auberge Espagnole", "Pride & Prejudice"). It sounded really hokey, and it is believe me, but it's also a great story about the evils of man and the power of love (gag). I also love when the woman is the voice of reason and the smarter one in the story. It's so rare I just eat it up. You will never guess how this ends, but it's devastating. That must be my new word of the day- devastating. I need a thesaurus.

"The Strangers" - Joseph Gordon-Levitt look-a-like Bryan Bertino wrote and directed this cautionary tale to suburbanites across the country. James and Kristen return home from a wedding to enjoy some peace and quiet when there's a knock on the door. A gang of masked psycho's decides to have a bit of fun at their expense.

I wanted to see this in the theatre because I am a big fan of Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman is a nice piece of eye candy, but I missed it. Turns out, this movie is much better to see at home, in the dark, preferably on a stormy night. That's how I saw it and everything the wind pushed at the door or threw an acorn at the window I jumped. It was super fun times had by all!

"Felicia's Journey" - Bob Hoskin's stars as a lonely catering manager with a deadly weak spot for young ladies. When he meets Felicia, a pregnant young Irish girl, he may have met his match.

I also have a thing for Atom Egoyan. Maybe it's because he's Canadian, maybe because he introduced the world to Sarah Polley, I'm not sure. What I am sure about is this man knows how to make a gripping movie, whether it be the least exotic movie about exotic dancers since "Showgirls" ("Exotica"), about the aftermath of a deadly bus crash ("The Sweet Hearafter"- one of my favorite films), or this one about a serial killer; you will be mesmerized by the characters flaws and all. This isn't really a horror movie, so anyone looking for blood and guts should look elsewhere. However, it is an interesting portrait of a serial killer; the more lonely "American Psycho".

See Also: Funny Games, The Descent, Hard Candy, The Orphanage, Let the Right One In, Fists in the Pocket, 2046,  Donnie Darko, My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done; Jacob's Ladder, The Number 23

Fright Fest: Somethings at my window

What would a Halloween movie marathon be without things that go bump in the night? Monster's of all shapes and sizes have been terrifying us for decades. Personally, these are my favorite kinds of horror movies. Give me vampires, werewolves, satanic dolls, clowns, zombies, and the genetically altered any day!

"Dog Soldiers" - Neil Marhsal ("The Descent", "Centurion") makes his directorial debut in this tale of werewolves deep in the Scottish Highlands. On a routine training mission, a group of soldiers (what's up Kevin McKidd!) discover the mangled corpses of another battalion. Soon they are being hunted by whatever killed their comrades, so they high jack a small cottage in the woods.

A few years ago my Dad called me to talk about a movie he had seen. All he could remember was that it was Scottish, had werewolves, and was awesome. Cue a few months later and he's figured it out and bought this movie for me. Wow, was he right! Marshal has a tight script that kept me enthralled from beginning to end. The pacing is steady and the twist at the end seems to come out from left field (you may figure it out just before it's revealed, but nothing will be lost). I highlight this film as another reason CGI should be used only in extreme circumstances. The practical FX here are more terrifying and bloody because they are real. If you haven't seen this movie, queue it up immediately!

"An American Werewolf in London" - see my review here

"Ginger Snaps" - Everyone knows being a teenager sucks, and we all know now how easy we actually had it back then. So, what would happen if you were attacked in the woods while staging your own death photography and discovered come next full moon you were going to turn furry? It would certainly put a crimp in your social calendar.

One thing I really miss about video stores is the ability to wonder the aisles for hours, looking for things you've never heard of, being attracted to cover art. Sure, we can do that on Netflix, kind of; but it's not the same. I discovered this movie in Blockbuster and probably would have scrolled right past it online. Oh Canada, I heart your eccentric ways. Is this a movie about pubescence? Is it about family and the power of sisterhood (that's my guess)? Or, is it simply a vicious werewolf film with a high body count and gallons of blood? Actually, can I change my guess? I think a major reason I loved this movie was because I could identify. I too was the weird goth/punk chick in school. I was the kid who wrote a paper about medical autopsy for English. I was the girl who's parents were called when she designed an ad in Economics using a dominatrix. Come on, sex sells! So, a story with two goth-y chicks trying to keep their sanity and talk to boys is right up my ally. Don't be frightened guys, there's plenty of blood, guts, and pot to keep you interested too. Another practical FX masterpiece.

"Near Dark" - Before she became the first woman to win a directorial Oscar, Kathryn Bigelow helmed this ode to vampires and outsiders in 1987. Starring Adrian Pasdar (whatever happened to him?), Lance Henriksen (always a good sign), and Bill Paxton (good sign #2!). Pasdar gets seduced by this hot young thing into joining her gang but of course this is no typical band of misfits. They have a secret and a hungry thirst.

This movie is great for all the right reasons. It is atypically 80s and it's gory. There are some serious prosthetics going on here. It has been recently remastered and released on DVD so get crackin!

"Slither" - Equal parts camp and disgusting FX, Slither turns the classic zombie picture on its head. Alien slugs infect a small town, turning the residents into ooey gooey zombies in this homage to B-horror by James Gunn (writer of "Dawn of the Dead" 2004).

All I needed to know to see this movie was it starred Nathan Fillion and Michael Rooker. Sold! I literally fell out of my seat in the theatre laughing ("That looks like something that fell off my dick in the war"), then covered my eyes a moment later.

"Puppet Master" - A psychotic puppeteer turns his life's work into demonic killers who end up stalking and killing a group of psychic's trapped in an old hotel. Original spawned a series (9 by last count) that are still produced today.

As a child, dolls freaked the shit out of me. Sure I had plenty of Barbie's, but I kept them locked up for fear they would come to life at night and exact their tiny plastic revenge on me. I made my sister turn her porcelain doll around at night so it wouldn't look at me. Is it any wonder that the Puppet Master series freaked me out? I love movies that take the seemingly innocent toys of our youth and turn them into killing machines. Throw in some "ancient Egyptian magic" and I'm there.

"Mimic" - Sexy etymologist Mira Sorvino (the curse of the Best Supporting Actress Oscar strikes again!) accidentally creates a race of larger than life bugs that terrorize Manhattan. The great Guillermo del Toro directs in his English language debut based on a story by Donald A. Wollheim.

The aesthetic we've come to crave from del Toro gets its start here. Dark tunnels, wide shots, great lighting, and awesome FX are used to amp up what could have been a complete crapper of a movie. Much better than "The Relic" which came out at the same time in terms of style and horror factor. (I don't hate "The Relic", heck I own it and thought the book was great; but is it scary? Not hardly). PS- Jeremy Northam should be in more things.

"Alien" & "Aliens" Double Feature- Ridley Scott and James Cameron take us to the depths of the universe in two of the scariest movies ever made. I feel a little silly giving a synopsis of these classics but here goes: Sigourney Weaver, in her first leading role, stars as Ripley; an officer on a towing ship headed to Earth. Awoken from cryogenic sleep early to answer a distress call (when will people learn?), the crew find their ship taken over by angry bloodthirsty aliens of the nastiest kind. In "Aliens", Ripley finds she is the laughing stock of the intergalactic community over her account of what happened to her crew. All that changes when another crew goes missing and she leads a team of Marines (Bill Paxton again!!) in to investigate.

In a perfect world I would be the owner of the "Alien Quadrilogy": 9 discs of movies, making of features, and behind the scenes. Oh, to live in that world. Instead, I have a VHS copy of "Alien" with "Aliens" inside. Damned used book store! Not to worry, these movies have been on TV all month. I know it's sacrilegious to say, but I liked "Aliens" better. I can't remember when I first saw these movies, but it must have been on TV. My mother would NOT have approved of my seeing them so young, but I think I must have been 10 or 12. I promis this will be the last time I talk about practical FX (in this post), but CGI heavy movies don't hold up well over time. We can see that it's fake. I hate that flat shine everything seems to have. A huge 9 ft alien queen is a lot scarier.

[side note: There was a travelling movie FX show I saw at the Dallas Fair Grounds when I was a pre-teen. They had one of the adult aliens and the lifter rig (seriously, what is that? Someone help me out) that Ripley uses to push the alien out the air lock. There was also the werewolf head from "An American Werewolf in London" that grew hair, Norman Bates' mom, and more. I wish I could remember more about this exhibit. I want to see it again!]

"Dawn of the Dead" - Zack Snyder ("300"- groan, "Watchmen"- yea!) pumps blood into Romero's legacy with his remake of the 1978 classic. Zombies are taking over the US and a group of survivors try to stick it out in a mall. Sounds great, except the zombies have a little shopping to do.

When I first heard they were remaking Romero's classic, I was disgusted. Then the cast list came out and I was intrigued (Sarah Polley? Really?). Finally, I saw a trailer and was sold. Romero may be the grandfather of zombie entertainment, but Snyder recognizes that and instead creates a solid update for the ADD generation. Here the zombies are faster (but just as dumb thank god), and the survivors are still idiots trapped in a shopping mall (how long before you hit up the sporting goods store?). Do you have your zombie escape plan in effect?

"28 Days Later" - A refreshing take on zombies, this one started by a PETA-esque troop who unleash a deadly virus into the world while trying to save monkeys from genetic testing. Cut to Cillian Murphy (can he be in everything too?) waking up in a hospital bed alone. The whole place is deserted and we (the audience) are now cast as fellow travellers as we troll the streets of London looking for survivors and answers. Later, an oasis has been found, but is it everything it claims to be?

What can Danny Boyle not do? He's covered moral and ethical questions ("Shallow Grave"- really great), druggie culture ("Trainspotting"), fresh family fare ("Millions"), and won an Oscar for "Slumdog Millionaire". Seems only right that he should have his toe or hell his whole foot, in the horror/sci-fi arena. "28 Days Later" shifts the focus from a lone survivor to a group of nomads to the corrupt military, all the while making a paean to human nature verses human desire.

"Hellraiser" - I think we can all agree, Cliver Barker is a demented genius. I totally want to hang out with him. Here he directs his own work about an unfaithful wife haunted by her former lover (and her husbands brother) who has lost his corporeal body to the Cenobites who want him for their own twisted fun. A mysterious puzzle box is the key to unlocking Hell and bringing the Cenobites to Earth. Spawning a series (8 by last count) that should primarily be avoided, this first film holds up well with time and and is still disgusting and twisted. Sure to give nightmares to young ones, infirm, and adulterers.

Oh Pinhead... how I love your deadpan ways. When they replaced our beloved Cenobites in the 3rd installment they lost me. Is a guy with a boom box head that spits CDs supposed to be scary or funny? Either way you should avoid it. The torture scenes between Pinhead & co and their human victims are inspired. I don't mean that in a creepy you-should -call-the-cops way, but more in a hey-does-this-remind-you-of-"Saw"? kind of way.

See Also: Child's Play, Dolls, IT, The Howling, Wolfen, The Hunger, Piranha, The Blob, It's Alive, Pumpkinhead, Skinwalkers (it's so bad it's good), and Meet the Applegates (not a horror movie per se, but giant Amazonian bugs disguised as people is hilarious),

Fright Fest: It's all in the gory details

With a little over two weeks until Halloween, now is the time to move all those horror movies to the top of your queue. Every year I watch "Beetlejuice" and "The Worst Witch" in honor of the day. "Beetlejuice" is one of my favorite movies (and arguably one of Burton's best) that I watched so often I erased the tape. Oh yea, we're talking VHS. When I bought a new copy, I discovered it had been edited. WTF?! The horror! The entire brothel scene was deleted. Dear Disney: That is not cool!

When I was very little, HBO played "The Worst Witch" every day, every year in October. I finally found a copy online and am sad to say it has not held up. Fairuza Balk goes to an all girls school of witchcraft (a la Harry Potter), where she is the worst student. Throw in Charlotte Rae as the headmistress and Tim Curry (I just LOVED Rocky Horror at the time too) as the grand wizard, a bit of impromptu song and dance, and you have a big 80s mess. Oh well, it's now hilarious and I can't help but watch it.

Whether you need a fright, have little ones, or love a good psychological thriller, I don't discriminate! Over the next week, I will give you my picks for this Halloween:

For the Gore Hounds:

"Hostel: Part II"- Eli Roth's gory sequel to his hit "Hostel", follows three girls studying abroad who decide to take a break in Prague. Poor Prague, it gets all the heat. They check into the same hostel and needless to say, chaos and death ensues. Roth sprinkles homages to some of horror's greats throughout (you can find out who and what in the bonus features), and plunges into what would entice another person to pay to kill.

Sure I fell asleep during part 1, I really am going to try and watch it again I swear; but I really loved part II. Maybe it's because we get to see the clients and their motives for the first time. Maybe it's because this time it's a bunch of female co-ed's getting tortured and regaining control. Whatever the reason, it's gross and bloody and I like it!

"Event Horizon"- Laurence Fishburne leads a rescue mission into deep space to track an SOS signal. Once aboard, he and his crew realize something sinister has happened and they must get home if they are to escape the same fate. Of course, Sam Neill is there to muck it all up.

Baby bear!!! God I love scary space movies. I saw this in the theatre with my Dad and sister and fell in love. So scary! My sister may still have nightmares. It's everything you love about "Alien" except here the monster is the human mind.

"The Ruins"- Again some co-eds (this time in Mexico) get into a world of trouble when they hike out to a mysterious Aztec temple that happens to be cursed. Trapped atop the ziggurat, the kids are taunted by local tribesman and picked off one by one by an unforeseen force. Based on the book of the same name by Scott B. Smith.

Who knew plants could be so scary? Director Carter Smith crafts an elegant and edgy movie from a premise that is laughable at best. Still, good performances and special FX can save anything. I expected this movie to be more gory based on what I was told by friends, but either I have no concept of gore anymore (quite possible) or they don't (also possible). There are moments when this movie could have turned into more traditional "torture porn", but instead they reigned it in and played it cool. PS- I heart Jonathan Tucker & Jena Malone. Who would have ever cast them in a horror flick? Someone pat the casting director on the back, please.

"House of 1,000 Corpses"/"The Devils Rejects" Double Feature- Musician Rob Zombie translates his Universal Studios Funhouse into two truly enjoyable homages to 70s grindhouse horror. In "Corpses", more co-eds (I see a theme here) pull over to Captain Spauldings fried chicken shack and gas station to visit his museum of oddities. Next thing they know, they've blown a flat and are taken to the dilapidated Spaulding mansion to wait out the storm (think "Texas Chainsaw Masacre"). There's always a storm, old house, and weird tow truck in these kinds of movies. Who will survive? In "Rejects", the Spaulding clan are on the run from the law following a shoot out at their house. The movie has more of a Western feel and casts the villains as the protagonist. It is a mark to Zombie's brilliance that you find yourself rooting for the serial killer by the end of the film.

Love. Love squared. I saw both in the theatre and remember being the only person impressed by "Corpses". If you grew up on these kinds of movies, you should too. With "Rejects", I went to an advanced screening and people got a lot more into it. It helps when you know what to expect I guess.

"Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight" - The Cryptkeeper's first movie (and only good one) is another Western-feeling film about a small town that unwittingly invites the Devil into their midst. At the old hotel, a wanderer stumbles in and soon after the Demon's appear. They're after a key, or a bottle really, that houses the blood of Christ. Oh yea, they went there. Billy Zane is the Collector, a demon/devil tasked with stealing this key and bringing it to Hell.

Let me tell you about my love for Billy Zane (bald Billy only please). He was probably the hottest Devil character until Viggo Mortenson in "The Prophecy". This movie is at times funny and gory, just like the TV series. There are some great actor's here to and hilarious one-liners. I was a bit torn whether to include this here or later in my Hilarious Horror post. I think the scene with the kid and the comic firmly places it here though.

"Book of Blood" - Based on a book by Clive Barker, "Blood" takes a page from "The Haunting" as we follow a paranormal expert and her team investigating a haunted house. Needless to say, the spirits are annoyed by this and start carving their story into the skin of one of the investigators.

Is this the best movie ever made? Not hardly. However, there is something mesmerizing about it. You have to leave your brain at the door, other wise you'll spend the who hour and a half yelling, "Just get the hell out of there idiot!" at the TV. There are some good gross outs and FX.

"In My Skin" - After an accident, a woman develops body dysmorphic disorder and begins mutilating her body in more and more dangerous a fashion. In French.

I don't know how I got turned on to this movie, it must have been on a best weird list; but it's not at all what I expected. Thank god it's only 93 minutes. I don't know if I could ever watch it again as it is deeply disturbing yet relatable. That's the scary (and brilliant) part of the movie. You identify with her psyche and rationalization of what she is doing to herself. Again, I thought this was going to be more gory, but like a great psychological thriller; you don't need it to be.

"Trick 'r Treat" - A series of vignette's silently narrated by a child in a scary pumpkin costume, everyone tries to stay alive on Halloween night.

It took forever for this film to make it to your house, but don't be quick to judge. While that is usually a bad thing, the circumstances here were different. While not necessarily scary, there is a lot to be disturbed by in this movie. A lot of people, children included, are killed in creative and bloody ways. I particularly liked the stories with Anna Pacquin and the one centered on a young gang of misfits.

"May" - In the vein of "Carrie", May has been bullied and misunderstood her whole life. She seeks solace and friendship in a toy doll and cannot maintain real human relationships. That doesn't stop her from trying though, with disastrous results.

I think I unfairly rated this movie (I gave it 3 stars) because I paid to see it in the theatre, promptly spilt wine on myself when I sat down, then saw it for rent at Blockbuster the next day. Ugh! Anyway, I remember a scene towards the end with Jeremy Sisto that totally creeped me out.

See Also: Dead Alive, Saw 1-3, Cannibal (2006), Hatchet, Dahmer, High Tension, Jason X, Anatomy, Black Christmas, Blood Feast, Demons, Dead Girl, Cube, Suicide Club

My Guide To Being "In The Know", part 1

For as long as I can remember, I've made the suggestion that everyone should work in the food service industry for a minimum two weeks at some point in their lives. Others disagree and think it should be for longer, that you should have to try and live off your wages; but that was never my point, not really. The point is, if everyone had to wait tables, bar tend, host, make burgers, etc; the world would be a better place. Maybe you would notice how your own behaviour towards these service professionals is not up to par. Perhaps you never knew the correct way to tip or how to come up with percentages. [side note: type "how to tip" into google and go to town! There are a million sites dedicated to teaching you the lost art of gratuity.]

Maybe you never tip a la "Reservoir Dogs". Maybe you under tip. Maybe you are frequently rude to your waiter. Maybe you never look them in the eye while ordering. Maybe you talk on the phone while ordering. Maybe you get snarky when they ask a question. Maybe you're ignorant. Maybe you're just rude.

I recently decided I needed a change in my professional life. Sure the security of a regular paycheck and medical insurance I never use (knock wood) is attractive, but it's also soul crushing. Imagine my excitement when I was asked to help out/fill in at my favorite local bar. Ecstatic may be the best word to describe it. It's been years since I worked in a restaurant and I've never worked the bar, but I felt like this was something I could do. So far, my biggest obstacles are reaching things on the top shelf way at the back (I've never felt so short before) and learning to say "let me think about it" before I inadvertently double or triple book myself. Of course, that has always been a problem. Regardless, I now have something I look forward to doing instead of dreading. I hope it continues.

Here are a few things I've learned in the short time I've been doing this:

* People have asked me how I get "hooked up" with things, be it movie tickets or free drinks. Well, I'm keeping my movie connections to myself but here's the secret to free drinks: Be nice. Be regular. Tip well. It's that simple. I go to the same bars not because I'm in a rut but because I'm taken care of there. I'm taken care of because I make friends. The best advice my Dad ever gave me was to "make friends with the three B's: Busers, Bouncers, and Bartenders". It's true!

* I will remember if you don't tip me. Popping a cap off your Budweiser isn't brain surgery but it is a service, so throw me a buck. You should tip a dollar a drink when paying cash or 15-20% on credit. If you really like the service and/or the bar give more. If you hate the service, give the minimum (see above). If you want to become a regular and get free drinks, give more.

* If you get your bill and notice it's lower than you anticipated, congratulations! You have been "hooked up". Tip accordingly. This means you should tip according to what your bill would be. I used to go to this really mellow bar downtown every Sunday. The bartender was really cool and would hang out with us chatting. No matter what I ordered, my bill was $5. Did I tip $2-$3? HELL NO! I tipped $10-$20, every time. No exceptions. It may seem like a lot, a $20 tip, but think about what your bill would have been. Trust me, you're probably still paying less.

* Don't walk your tab. It seems obvious but it happens all the time. We will remember you! This is not how a person who wants to be "in the know" acts. So, if this is a habit of yours, start a tab with your credit card. Tell a friend to remind you to close out. Do what it takes!

Finally, have fun and be kind!

The Social Network

**** 4.5 stars

I spent my day off yesterday at the movies with my favorite movie buddy, word of the day Jennie. It was down to "Easy A" ("No comedy," was Jennie's only stipulation), so we went with "The Social Network" instead. In case you've been living under a rock:

"The Social Network" is based on the novel "The Accidental Billionaires" by Ben Mezrich and directed by David Fincher. It follows the rise and subsequent lawsuits surrounding the founding of Facebook. Jesse Eisenberg (perennial nebish nerd) stars as Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. He is later sued by fellow Harvard students (Armie Hammer pulling CGI double duty as Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss, and Max Minghella) as well as his former best friend and CFO Eduardo Saverin (Andrew Garfield).

Screen writer Aaron Sorkin ("The West Wing", "A Few Good Men") doesn't try to answer the question that plagues the movie- Who's idea was Facebook?- but instead focuses on what can be known and that is the instances leading up to and following the websites success. Instead of saying the film is inter cut with scenes from the multiple depositions Zuckerberg attended, I would say the depositions are inter cut with scenes from their life. From the dorm rooms at Harvard to the crewing down the Charles River to Silicon Valley to the crescendo that is Facebook gaining 1 million followers, we are there like a fly on the wall witnessing it all. Sorkin will not reveal all of his sources (though it has been well publicized that Natalie Portman, Harvard alum, met with me), only to say that they had details down to what kind of beer they were drinking at what time. That sounds pretty accurate. Still, he never demonizes any one party. Everyone seems to blame in some way for their part in the whole mess.

Eisenberg does a great job as the "asshole" Zuckerberg. I couldn't help but wonder, if this portrayal is in anyway accurate, why no one has raised the argument that he might not be an asshole but rather suffers from Asperger's. He is unable to control what comes out of his mouth, is unaware of how what is said effects others, and further more; doesn't seem to care. He doesn't care about money, but works hard to control and edge out those who helped him rise to billionaire status. His only real relationship was with Saverin whom he reportedly pushed out of the company. Infamous Sean Parker (creator of Napster and part owner of Facebook, here played by Justin Timberlake) comes across as money hungry and stupid. He has the genius to recognize good ideas and get them to the right people, but he can't organize his own life. Meanwhile, Saverin never quiet understands the demon that Facebook is becoming and gets left in the dust. Who is to blame? Does it even matter?

My personal demi-god Trent Reznor makes his big screen debut with a score that highlights and supports every scene without drawing attention to itself. You will immediately recognize his signature, but he is smart enough to know when and how it will work in the context of the film.

The Oscar buzz is certainly worthy. Fincher delivers a well crafted film that is just enough outside what we would expect from him to make it refreshing without making his name above the line meaningless. Sorkin weaves fact, fiction, and humor into every scene. With his background in television it is no wonder he has an ear for dialog and it has never been more on display than in this work. Eisenberg may be left behind. The character is too similar to ones he's played before, though I don't fault him that: Know what you do well and do that. The only difference is in his likability. Either you do or you don't. Garfield has had a banner year so far, though I'm still concerned about him as the new Spiderman. I wish that movie would fall apart and he would be forced back into (somewhat) anonymity and carefully chosen "serious" work. Timberlake gets to show off his acting chops and I cannot wait to see what else he has in store for us. I would also recommend Reznor's score and Jeff Cronenweth's cinematography (he also shot "Fight Club" and several well known music videos).

RED: Retired, Extremly Dangerous

*** 3 stars

Monday I went to a screening of "RED" at the Movie Studio Grill. A highlight may have been the delicious garlic fries I ate while we waited for the movie to begin (10 minutes late).

"RED" is based on the comics by Warren Ellis ("Transmetropolitan" one of my favorite comics of all time) and Cully Hamner. Frank Moses (Bruce Willis), retiree, spends the day tearing up benefit checks just so he can talk to Sarah (Mary Louise Parker); until one night when three men break into his house and try to kill him. Now, he's on the run with Sarah as his hostage. You see, Frank isn't who he seems: He's ex-C.I.A. and one of the best "wet" men (i.e., hit man) the agency has ever seen. Calling his old team together (Dame Helen Mirren with an uzi!!, John Malkovich, and Morgan Freeman) to figure out who is trying to kill them and why.

I still can't decide how I feel about this movie, so I've decided to do something a bit different and just give you my pros and cons.

PROS:
* Anything from the twisted mind of Warren Ellis is a-okay with me. He is beyond skilled at creating worlds and characters that appear on the page full formed and relatable. He has a wicked sense of humor too!

* Script- Jon and Erich Hoeber ("Whiteout", "Battleship"-based on the game) wrote a funny script with a lot of great one liners. I'd love to see the final script to know if I should also include them in the Cons.

* I heart Bruce Willis. Since the "Moonlighting" days, he has been one of my top actors. Able to perform comedy as well as action, he only gets better with age. In "RED", his casually cool demeanour is the perfect antithesis of Parker's neurosis and Malkovich's paranoia. A preposterous scene (alluded to in the trailer) where he steps out of a moving vehicle and empties two clips into another car is great. Too bad the director and editor couldn't showcase the scenes natural momentum.

CONS:

* Bad direction- Robert Schwentke (the German born director of "Flightplan" and "The Time Traveler's Wife") seems completely out of his element. The film clips along from poorly edited vignette to vignette. The majority of the film is shot in wide and mid shot which is great for action but increasingly boring for human interaction. Dialog seems to drift off into the ether. It's apparent some of the actor's were having a good time, but it didn't translate to the final picture. Instead, we're left with a feeling of "huh" when the final credits roll. A more experienced action or comic director would have done a better job. I'm not saying everything needs to be the frame-for-frame translation of "Sin City" or shot on blue screen, that certainly didn't work for "The Spirit" and I'm holding out hope for future Zac Snyder films; but it would have been a lot more interesting. Here is an amazing story, the "Bourne Identity" for the early bird supper crowd, and it's boring.

* Editing- See above. Thom Noble is an Academy Award winning editor ("Witness", nominated for "Thelma & Louise"), but he hasn't really done a lot in the last 10 years. Clearly Schwentke has a hard on for him (he edited both his previous films), but was he the best person for this job? I think not. His approach to action is more controlled and still (e.g., "Reign of Fire", "Mask of Zorror", "Red Dawn"), which does not lend itself well to full impact shoot 'em ups. Suggestions: Saar Klein ("The Bourne Identity"), Dan Lebental ("Iron Man"), Michael Kahn (see: Steven Spielburg), or Stuart Baird ("Casino Royale").

* Karl Urban. I'm so sorry dude, I love you but you were killing me in this movie. Was it the accent? You've done American before with no problems. What gives? Were they giving you hell for your "Xena" days? Come on! You've done some good work: "Lord of the Rings", "The Bourne Supremacy", "Doom" (who expected that to be good?!), and "Star Trek". Please don't get nervous, I still love you. Consider this your yellow card.

* Music. I don't even know what was going on with the score, but it was making me crazy.

*Script- Okay, I decided to include this here as well. What can be easily white washed in a comic is glaringly apparent in a movie. We are smart consumers. We devour crime and espionage shows like "Alias", the Bourne and Oceans trilogies, and "Mission:Impossible". Therefore, we want to see the planning not just the execution. If you are going to cheat us, the execution should be amazing.

All in all this movie wasn't bad, it just wasn't as great as I expected it to be. I suggest adding it to your Netflix queue right now and spending $10 on something else.

Where Ya Been Saturday?

Oh how I've missed you Random Saturday...

* I hosted  my first trivia game at my local bar and had a blast! I was super nervous as this was the 2nd time I've hosted, but the 1st time I wrote the questions myself. Were they too hard? Too easy? Did they make sense? Would people have fun? In the end, I was surprised by how well some people did with certain questions and how poorly at others. Examples:

From the Texas round: "Not just a theme park, what 6 flags flew over Texas?"

From the Sesame Street round sponsored by the letter "S" and the number "3": "Popular in Indonesian cuisine, tempeh is made from fermented what?"

"The cuddly Mizaru, Kikazaru, and Iwazaru represent what popular adage based in Taoism? To bad your Grandma's tchochke's aren't here to help you."

From the final double or nothing round: "Who killed Tybalt in Shakespeare's "Romeo & Juliet?"

From the media round: Identify the movie from the still.

(Answers at the bottom)

* The State Fair of Texas opened last weekend and we had a blast! I definitely recommend going on opening day. There are no lines for rides and the fryers are clean and filled with new oil! As soon as we got there, I was filmed eating fried green beans (my fav snack at the fair!) and snippets of it were shown on the local news. Unfortunately, I cannot find the film but I do have a picture! Birth place of the Corney Dog, the Texas State Fair also boosts an innovative fried food contest every year. Past winners include fried butter, fried coke, fried PBB&J (Hola Elvis!), and fried snickers. This year, the winner for most inventive was fried beer- the grossest thing on earth! Best flavor went to the fried Frito pie (which I hear was amazing but of which I of course did not eat). A full summary of our culinary tour of the fair can be found on my foodie blog.

* "I think I finally caught anorexia. It's probably the depression, stress, and exhaustion but still, I haven't been hungry for 3 days." pumps fists in the air.
-"It's nice to get it without actually getting it."
"Yea. The depressions been a real bummer though."
(Only myself and word-of-the-day Jennie can make anorexia hilarious. PS- I don't want your letters unless it's snail mail. I love snail mail. It's like a holiday in my mail box!)

* The weirdest text I just found on my phone: "I promise I'm not trying to put my dick on you". What the heck does that mean? Why is it in my phone?

* As you all know, I'm a serious movie fan. So, it was heartbreaking and shocking to read of Sally Menke's death on 9/28. Menke was the genius behind all of Quentine Tarantino's films and a damned fine editor. It is always a shock when someone you admire dies, but when it is under such strange circumstances it seems so much worse. Movieline complied a neat tribute to her and the unique and powerful relationship she shared with QT. There are also several "Hi Sally" clips where the cast and crew would throw her a shout out. I think I posted the one from "Inglourious Basterds" before, so here is one from "Death Proof".

* Jennie's word of the day: Snacks. (She must be hungry)



ANSWERS: 1- Spain, France, Mexico, Republic of Texas, Confederacy, USA (Not only have I been to Six Flags Over Texas several times, but as a Texas native I also have 2 years of Texas history under my belt. So, the question remains: How do you get this question wrong?

2- Tempeh is made from soy (Almost everyone got this right. Way to go!)

3- "See No Evil, Speak No Evil, Hear No Evil" (I think all but one team got this. I was so impressed!)

4- Romeo (We all read this in school right? Maybe even twice depending on your school? Maybe you were a slacker with a thing agains Shakespeare, but did you not see the movie(s)? No lady dragged you to stare at Leo DiCaprio? Ladies, you weren't smitten with this story? How did so few teams get this right?)

5- Movies are: "Velvet Goldmine" (1 or 2 teams got it which was expected), "Memento" (I think everyone got it which was a surprise), and "(500) Days of Summer" (only 1 team got, though I did enjoy the many "Star Wars" answers)