Showing posts with label Texas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Texas. Show all posts

Monday, August 16, 2010

So Take Off All Your Clothes

So, I'm taking a page out of my friend shine's book and broaching a rather unpleasant topic: The heat.

Here in the great Lone Star State, the current temperature is :
Here's what I want to know: I understand that there is this mythical idea called a "heat index", and I understand that it raises the temperature. What I don't understand is why I should care. Why don't you just tell me it 111 degrees outside? What exactly am I supposed to get from the knowledge that Texas is trying to kill me by arbitrarily raising the temperature 10 degrees? Just tell me what if feels like outside and leave your voodoo ways at home!

What bothers me most about this heat is that I am sticky. All the time. Everywhere. As a former grunge head and punk rock girl, cleanliness and I have often been at odds. I enjoy being clean but not the process (really the time) I have to go through to get there. Where is my Jetson's technology?! Don't they know I'm a busy girl, or at least play one on TV? I've got very important TV watching and book reading and drinking to attend to.

Being a bit smelly doesn't really bother me. I know that's not very "girly" of me, but I've never claimed to be one. Sure, I love to put on 50s style dresses and can paint me face to match, but I curse like a sailor and drink you under the table at the same time. Isn't this why god invented deodorant and perfume?

What I want to know is: How did people get intimate before the invention of deodorant, indoor plumbing, and soap? We all know how smelly the world was back in the day. You know those beautiful bouquet's and oranges you see the well-bred carry around in Renaissance and Victorian movies? That's because everyone reeked! Now here I am, in 2010, and I can looking desperately for a pocketful of posies. It is impossible to feel sexy when you've sweat through your pants. When your bra is actually trapping sweat beneath your breasts. It's not pretty.

Enter, Playtex and their Cooling Comfort bra. It may be one of the most hideous bras I've ever seen, but if it can keep my "personality" cool I don't really care. [side note: Dear Playtex, What is the point of advertising this revolutionary new bra if it's not available on your website? Discuss] Can they make underwear like this? Or pants? Or socks? Or full space outfits? What does a girl have to do to avoid schvitzing in her delicate's????

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Misconceiving Texas

In my growing effort to dispel the myths of being Texan, I’ve decided finally to “take it to the blog”. It has amazed me for years, the common misconceptions people have about my great state. From New York to California to Tennessee, the number of amazing, and sometimes ridiculously ignorant, questions I have received have overwhelmed my brain; nudging out important Jeopardy trivia facts, names of acquaintances, and my entire 3rd grade year.

What other state requires two years of state history? Texas. I know more about the Alamo than I do about recent American history. I never made it past the industrial revolution in school, but I have two years of Alamo, American Indian War, Mexican-American War, and annexation, but no years of Roosevelt or Kennedy. Kinda sad, right? Not if you want to indoctrinate your citizens with an overwhelming pride that could only possibly be matched by New Yorkers.

Welcome to "Misconceiving Texas".

Misconception about Texas #3: It's always hot.

First off, not true. Sure, we might not have the snowed in trials and tribulations of the Midwest and Northeast, but that doesn't mean we don't experience winter. This isn't California! Texas has four agreed upon regions that comprise it's almost 262,000 square miles: Coastal Plains, Interior Lowlands, Great Plains, and Mountains and Basin Range. Each has a unique topography that mimics the rest of the country. How can a state so large be lumped into only one category? It's impossible.


In the Coastal Plains, winters are pretty mild. Encompassing, Houston, Corpus Christi, to San Antonio. Tropical winds moving in from the Gulf of Mexico keep the coast line humid.
From Abilene to Dallas and down towards Waco, the Interior Lowlands are what I call home. Very hot summers lead to crisp winters. No one who lives here should have any argument against the existence of global warming. When I was in grade school, we had snow days and ice days. I can remember crunching through the ice towards home from school. Now, the winters are cold but mostly dry. We haven't had a real winter since the Ice Storm of 2000. That being said, 30⁰F is cold anywhere in the world.
(Yep, that was my car earlier this week. Like the beginnings of Lake Murderville in the background?)

In the Great Plains region, they wouldn't know snow if it knocked on their door. When I lived in Austin, I was surprised at how warm it was in January. I asked them if they ever got snow or ice. My friends who grew up there looked at me like I'd sprouted a second head! This is not to say the freak snow storm doesn't pop up from time to time. My sister said there was one a few years ago that disrupted finals at A&M, however it is uncommon.

On many maps, the Great Plains reaches up into the Texas panhandle. Here, snow is a completely different story. Lubbock and Amarillo lie in the same plain as New Mexico and parts of Colorado, so they get a good dose of snow in the winters and have temperate summers.
In the Mountains and Basins region, snow is a foreign word. Sweeping up the Western portion of the state along the Rio Grande to El Paso, like other desert regions, it gets cold in the winter but nothing more.

Where ever you're from in the U.S., there is a part of Texas that will make you feel like home. Enjoy hiking and being outdoors? Check out the central part of the state. Are you a snow bunny who wants winter or bust? Move to the panhandle. Fishing, snorkeling, and bad surfing can be found along the coast. For those of you who want the Texas you see in television advertisements, check out the Rio Grande.
And yes, Virginia, it gets cold here too.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Roasted alive, or how I came to think I was so important

I'm not much of a narcissist. In fact, I doubt there is anyone I know who would label me as such. However, I'm pretty sure Texas is trying to kill me. Or at least beat me into submission.

My apartment is like a sauna but much less comfortable. It has become my latest obsession- this heat! It all I can think about or talk about or write about. Parts of me stick together that I never thought possible. I'm googling "blocks o'ice" looking for something to put in front of my oscillating fan. How did I used to wear hoodies all summer long? Clearly the activity of my youth has rotted my brain and ruined my bodies ability to regulate itself.

My vintage apartment is kept cool by an equally vintage window unit. Actually, my third unit in as few years. They keep dying and now I think I understand- they just want to be free! Last night it was actually cooler outside than it was inside and I cried for the first time in forever that was not directly related to a movie about puppies, sudden death, or Mandy Moore. Sometime around 5 AM I called my apartment manager and left a message threatening death and/or dismemberment if the problem was not resolved. I packed up my belongings, pet the cat on the head (and hoped he'd make it), and drove to work. To sleep. So sad.

So now I'm operating on about an hour of actual rest and a liter of coffee (thank you to my lovely friend who brought me Starbucks when the work machine was broken).

So, Texas; bring it on! I love you but I will hurt you if I have to. You would do go to remember all the nice things I've done for you, like that one time I thought about recycling or did not throw my kleenex out the open car window (even though I'm pretty sure birds will use it to make their homes). Keep it up and I'm leaving. It's not me, it's you.
20sb