How I Spent My Sunday Night, or The 61st Annual Emmy Awards

Last night was the 61st Emmy Awards. All in attendance looked ravishing. There were no major fashion faux pas I could see (not including Ricky Gervais’ green tux- that may have been for laughs, and the poor winner for Direction in a Mini-Series whose bodice did not fit. Hell, it looked down right uncomfortable). Immediately after watching, I called my mother to gossip about the winners and how we liked the show. She was not impressed, I was.

Here are some of my reasons:
*Neil Patrick Harris- He shined while hosting the Tony’s earlier this year, and I was so glad they gave him a higher profile event. There’s nothing better than someone who giggles at their own jokes. His opening song could have been better; it was hard to hear some of the lyrics, but otherwise ok. When he lost out to Jon Cryer for Supporting Actor and then interrupted him in the pressroom, genius. The interruption in the broadcast by Dr. Horrible was hilarious, although one of my Mother’s least fav moments. It certainly helps if the people at home have some idea what you’re talking about. 4 out of 5 stars.

*The dance number w/ the cast of “Dancing with the Stars” and “So You Think You Can Dance”. Question: What does Cat Deely have to do to get a nomination?!? Also, if the Academy is recognizing how much America loves dance shows, how about moving the choreography award to prime time??

* I thought the Comedy Supporting Actress Nominees and their glasses were hilarious! Note to Vanessa Williams: You are not too cool for school. What a jerk to not participate.

*Ken Howard. The veteran movie and TV star won his first Emmy and thanked Jeannie Epper for her gracious donation of a kidney. For those of you who don’t know, Epper is one of the greatest female stuntwomen of all time. She comes from a 4-generation legacy of stuntmen and women. For an interesting look at her and the history, as well as future, of stuntwomen; rent "Double Dare" .

* The number of 1st time winners and nominees: Toni Collete, Ken Howard, Kristen Chenowith, Cherry Jones, Jessica Lange, Brendon Gleeson, Shohreh Aghdashloo (you should really look up her story, it’s incredible), and Jon Cryer. See movie stars, you shouldn’t snub television. You could get a big pointy statue all your own.

* The advice segments: nominees for Direction and Writing were asked to give advice to those interested in getting into that profession. Some of the best ones: When “Mad Men” writer/creator had to share a couch with the couple making out next to him (husband and wife writing team Andre & Maria Jacquemetton).

* Dividing the show by category. Some scoffed at what they called "The Academy's disregard for Variety and Mini-Series. Don't they know that's when we switch the channel and go to the bathroom?" Well, duh. To the naysayers, I have news for you: They don't think you're watching this live in the 1st place, so why would they care if you're in the bathroom or not? I appreciated that there was break in the telecast where I could comfortably pause my DVR and make a snack. I watch every second of these telecasts anyway, and it is so much nicer not to have to guess when I can get up and go. Thank you!

What I didn’t like:
* Too many nominations for the same show, often in the same category. I love “Mad Men”. Let me repeat, I LOVE “Mad Men”, however; do I think they had 4 of the 5 best written episodes? No. What fun is there in the competition if you have a better than average shot at winning? Perhaps the Academy should treat writers for sitcoms and dramas the same way they do variety shows: Lump them all together. It is rarely if never the case that one episode stands out to the viewer as “the best”. Instead, we say things like, “That show has the best writing!” Wouldn’t it be more fun to see a show down between “Mad Men”, “Lost”, “Dexter”, “House”, and “Big Love”? Who would win if Tiny Fey and crew were pitted en masse against “How I Met Your Mother”, “Two and a Half Men”, “Weeds”, “Flight of the Concords”, and “Family Guy”? I would be far more riveted and less likely to skip ahead on my DVR.

* On a similar front, at some point, you should have enough awards. I’m looking at you “The Amazing Race”! 7 Emmy’s in the same category? That’s obscene. “Top Chef”, start campaigning now! I’d vote for you if I could. How about “So You Think You Can Dance”? What other reality show brought tears (not blood from my retina’s bleeding) to our eyes last year? If you have won twice before in a row, please sit out the next year. I promise no one will forget about you or your amazing performance, Alec Baldwin. * No love for “Generation Kill”, one of the greatest shows to ever grace your TV set. Also, where was “True Blood” in the nominations? Anna Paquin won a Golden Globe for chrissakes. She can’t get any Emmy love?

It's Saturday: I'm floating in a sea of Randomness

Oh boy, do I have some random things to talk about. It seems once I started writing them down, I couldn't stop!

*The other day, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "Sometimes my make-up is so on point, I think I look like a drag queen!"

*Dear walkers, joggers, and all around fitness nuts: Walk AGAINST traffic or I will be forced to run you down with my car. Seriously, don't get mad and shake your fist at me when you get startled to find there is a car on the road.

*Dear eHarmony: Calling yourselves a "relationship site" and not a "dating site" isn't fooling anyone.

*Some people should never wear cowboy hats. I'm looking at you Casey Affleck!

*I've been watching a lot of late night MTV, Fuse, etc. and I have no idea what is going on. Shakira? What the hell are you doing? I'm glad there's music on at some point in the day (even if it is 3 AM), but I am officially old. I don't get it. Please explain it to me. I think in the 45 minutes I was toggling between channels I saw one band- one group of people playing an instrument.

*On a similar note: Can someone tell me the difference between Jet and The Donnas besides the obvious? I just heard the new Jet song on the radio and if you substituted Bret Anderson for Nic Cester and you've got a Donna's song. I was reading something the other day about the difference between music critics and music writers and how one group believes the music is the most important thing while the other believes it's the lyrics. I have to say, I believe it's a combination of both. See the success of the above two mentioned bands. Clearly lyrics are not the winner here. In fact, lyrics don't seem to be the winner in ANY modern music played on the radio. However, most will not be remembered in 20 years and will not make it to the oldies station. Oh god, that reminds me. When did the classic rock station start playing music from the 90's?

*An Open Letter to the Masses: Toilet paper goes over not under. I don't want to have to dig around the back of the roll looking for the end. You're not helping anyone. From here on out, all toilet paper will be installed properly or I will confiscate your rolls. I will appreciate them a lot more than you, clearly.

*Obliviousness: 1 : lacking remembrance, memory, or mindful attention 2 : lacking active conscious knowledge or awareness —usually used with of or to. See also: people who block the driveway of apartment complexes entering the gate code when the gate is already open. I'm disturbed that these people are behind the wheel.

*I keep losing pieces of Tupperware. I have the lid, but not the base, or vice verse. Where are the going? Are there storage gnomes that come and steal bits at night? At least they've left my socks and underwear alone!

*Yesterday at Taco Bell I saw this t-shirt: "All stressed out and no one to CHOKE". Um...No. Quit it!

*I don't remember Saved By The Bell being so bad. However, I am thankful for the mini marathon playing right now.

*New curse word: Fun. As in, "Go fun yourself!" or "What the fun?!"

*Overheard today at work: "Why can I never find someone to rob?" [side note: I am no longer interested in you Mafia Wars. You can suck it!]

And now, for my comic of the day:

Thank you Married to the Sea

How to Fail at Life without Really Trying...

I spent the last few days sitting on my ass watching recorded Food Network shows (how am I just noticing how large Giada’s head is?). There is nothing more depressing than having two days to kill and no money to hire the assassin. I have $3 ‘til Friday and I’m going to run out of smokes and probably gas before then. In the small favors department, at least I don’t live too far from work and the weather has only been in the upper 90’s so I guess it wouldn’t be so bad to walk (I would stab myself now but I’m pretty sure they clock you out of work to take you to emergency).

Here are a couple things that occurred to me over my days off:

*Why can’t you sell plasma anymore? Don’t they know there are junkies and horrible checkbook balancers out there that need cash? How much can I get for an in demand hardcover book at Half Price? Enough for smokes? I hope so; ‘cuz if not I just wasted what gas I have left.

*Driving through Murderville on my way home I saw a woman playing with her kid on the side of the road. This would not be disturbing except it was 1130 at night and she was literally playing with him on the side of the road, the curb to be exact. Hey lady! Rolling your kid on the curb in the middle of the night in the ghetto is not smart! (Or very smart depending on how you feel about kids and/or natural selection).

Finally, my ode to box wine:

Yes, you heard me right. Box Wine.

In my day, box wine meant Franzia, which meant disgusting. I remember the laughs when my aunt served it at her wedding (actually not surprising). It was the kind of thing people bought to make punch or supplement dinner parties. Not something you would actually want or admit to drinking. I’m not sure when it happened (perhaps the success of Kathy Griffin’s “My Life on the D List” and her mother’s insatiable thirst for all things served in a box), but box wine has made a resurgence; gone through a renaissance if you will. They could not be any more different than the big white box.

At my grocery store, the Franzia is kept on the opposite side of the aisle from the new box wines, the couture boxes if you will. In a fit of boredom and lack of funds, I recently purchased a box of “Boti Box Wine”. What drew me to this particular brand (for I stood in that aisle looking at all the pretty boxes for at least 7 minutes) was that it was green. A “green” box of wine (aren’t all cardboard boxes of wine recyclable? Is this just marketing?). The box was made of recycled paper, the inside pouch was recyclable, I think even the wine was organic. Anyway, at $17.99 for the equivalent of 3 bottles I was sold. To my delight, it wasn’t so bad. I’m not going to blow smoke at you and say it was one of the best wines I’ve had, it wasn’t. What it was, was the right price and not disgusting. The quality speaks to other econo-lines like Little Penguin, Alice White, whatever’s $5 at Whole Foods, slightly better than 3-buck chuck. At about $4 a bottle, it was the cheapest as well. I bought the Shiraz twice!

I’ve tried a couple other brands, Fish Eye (not so much and I’m pretty sure they cheat you out of some wine and the spout sucks), and Black Box (also nice but the much smaller size of the box makes me nervous).

I feel ashamed and partially disgusted in myself but I’m not sure I can stop. It just fits so well into my nightly ritual of bad TV/movies and a glass of wine. Now it won’t go bad and ruin my good time! I’m not done with bottles though. Sometimes the night calls for something better (although still well under $10); but, for the nights that call for okay (and in the privacy of your home), you could do worse than a box o’wine.

It's Saturday, So Let's Swim in a Sea of Randomness:

Dear Tyler Florence: I love your recipes, but if you say “what we’re gonna do” one more time I’m going to poke you with your own whisk!

Teasers during shows make me crazy. I’m sure they bug you as well, but Bravo has taken it to the breaking point. Do they really think that blocking half the screen with Real Housewives thought bubbles is helping? I know I’m not watching rocket science on Bravo, but still, if I wanted Kathy Griffins face obscured but bouncing oranges I’d do it myself. A big “QUIT IT” to Bravo!

Why do refrigerators have lights in them but not freezers? Is it to discourage me from eating sorbet at 2 AM?

Wednesday, I watched my first episode of Hell’s Kitchen in forever. I couldn’t believe the double entendres (Mark It!), and they weren’t even trying! Let me explain a bit first. My friends came up with the “mark it” game about a month or so ago. It’s very simple to play, and once you do, you will be unable to stop. Basically, anytime someone says something that sounds dirty but wasn’t meant to be, you say “mark it”. Everyone laughs. Lots of fun. Example: “It goes in the front and squirts out the back (Hunt for Red October).” Anyway, thank god I had my notebook out during the show. I had 7 hash marks before we’d even hit the half way part! Who knew this show was so dirty? I thought it was just crass! On a related note, if you have BBC America, then you must watch “The “F” Word”. I love Gordon Ramsey and this is my favorite cooking show on TV. Every week, he has a different group of amateur/home-cooks work the kitchen. It’s so cute to see them try to remember the menu. The point of this challenge is to get as many patrons as possible to pay for their dinner (“If they don’t like it, they don’t pay for it”). The show also shows Gordon traveling around the UK, and now America, in search of food (catfish, wild hog, puffins, oh my!). He also shows people how to cook a quick and nutritious meal at home, often based on their favorite take away. On top of all that, every season he raises a different animal in his backyard then serves it in the restaurant (sorry vegetarians and members of PETA). It’s great to see him interact with his family and a bunch of turkeys, sheep, or hogs. He even cried last year when he took the pigs to slaughter. So, watch “The “F” Word” and listen out for “mark it” opportunities.

Know what happens when you assume? I miss out on cupcakes! Not cool! It was my boss’s birthday earlier this week and they got cupcakes to celebrate. Thankfully, they did this on a day when I was off. No need making sure everyone on staff (all 10 of us) is there. Don’t even worry about telling everyone. If they want to come, they’ll feel it in their bones. Okay, this is a bit harsh and I apologize; but I LOVE cupcakes! I keep a running list of everywhere I’ve had cupcakes and rank them. #1 cupcakes so far: Magnolia Bakery in NYC. I wanted to rub their red velvet all over my face it was so delicious. #2: Society Bakery in Dallas. Their generous icing to cupcake ratio really is king.

I saw a sneak peak of “Julie & Julia” Thursday. It was hilarious! Also want to send a shout out to Whole Foods for sponsoring it and for my new free totes. I never knew I needed a wine tote, but it’s perfect for schlepping a change of clothes and heels with me if I’m going out after work. I love those reusable bags (and the fact that I have 7 and only paid for 1) but they are ruining my life a little bit. I’ve been collecting plastic bags in a handy yet stylish IKEA bad organizer since the dawn of time. Since switching to the cloth bags, I’m almost out of the plastic ones (which I understand is the point), but what am I supposed to use for the tiny waste paper basket in the bathroom?

Final note: Here are some pics you may or may not enjoy:

It's Saturday, So Let's be Random:

*The best new show you may not be watching is “Michael & Michael have Issues,” Wenesday’s on Comedy Central. It is host to such nuggets as: “Kiss my glasses!”, prevent teen pregnancy by telling boys you have a penis, “Don’t do drugs. Unless, you’re old, bored, want to feel happy…” I heart “The State” and am so glad to have Michael & Michael back!!

*There’s nothing worse than watching a movie while the thought, “I think I know what they meant,” is trailing through your head.

*Why is Gwyneth Paltrow telling me what to do and why am I listening? (http://www.goop.com/)

*Entertainment Weekly has acknowledged my obsession with cat videos and funny pictures. You’re welcome!

* I can’t wait for Drew Barrymore’s directorial debut “Whip It”, about Austin Roller Derby. Check out the new site (www.foxsearchlight.com/whipit) and get your derby name. Call me Cha Cha Betty! What movie are you counting down to this fall??

*Related Movie News: A big NO to the remake of “Jesus Christ Superstar”. YEA to Ridley Scott helming the “Alien” prequel.

*Hate what “modern” radio is playing as much as I do? Head on over to NPR (http://www.npr.com/) for crazy Boston mechanics and douche-y Canadian wordsmiths- Love!!

*In a step to bring the world of “Gattica” to light (ohh…Jude Law before he was kinda creepy- nostalgic!), researchers in England have created “test tube” sperm. Just a thought, but is there a lack of sperm in the world? Nobody told me! How about creating food that’s more sustainable instead? (Probably not unless potatoes grow dicks). How about the environment?

*The other night, I had the pleasure of being schooled by my drug-free vegetarian sister on agriculture and food safety. Now, before you jump to conclusions, she has come a long way from dropping my drinks on the floor or secretly feeding me tofu. I’m proud to say she’s grown up and respects more sides and opinions than anyone else I know. We spent a good hour, hour and a half, talking about the cattle industry (moronic), organic foods, the difference between grass fed and grain fed and free range and store bought and … (It’s not always as much as you would think). So I was excited to hear about this food safety bill before the House and the fact I understood way more about it than I did before. Did you realize how little authority the FDA has, or the number of middlemen between where your food is grown/raised to where it is processed/slaughtered? In her simple diagram of the cattle industry, my sister pointed out about 6 stops each cow makes, and that’s just before it’s slaughtered. Now tack on processing and shipping and who knows where your meat came from. This is also why they can’t figure out where tainted meat comes from. Did you also know that most cows raised in Texas are slaughtered in Oklahoma? Uh… What are they doing with it?!? I’ll close by getting off my soapbox (really more like the little ones you get at the Laundromat) and say this: Do you know what you put in your mouth?

Mark It!!!

An Ode to Network T.V.

Dear major networks:

Quit it!

You know what I'm talking about. You spend millions developing innovative and great new shows then pull the plug before it gets off the ground. Give it a second. Look at 30 Rock! Also, nothing makes more sense than cancelling shows that just got nominated for awards as well. We'll miss you Samantha Who?, The L-Word, Battlestar Gallactica (I know this one doesn't really count, but I just love it so much! PS- what the hell Emmy's!?! wheres the love for the toasters?), and Pushing Daisies, just to name a few of this seasons casualties.

While I'm at it, quit remaking the shows you just cancelled! Renaming them does not fool us. Think how cool you would have been if you hadn't cancelled Moonlight, Wolf Lake, or Kindred. Supernatural is BIG now Silly Gooses!!

Furthermore, we do not need another show about any of the following: police, psychics, doctors, celebutards, dating, eating something gross, or singing. Quit It!

Side note- Dear Cable: I love you. Keep up the good work and support of fledgling shows. Your many Emmy's and Golden Globe nods and wins must make your network cousins vomit with jealousy. Too bad they're too stupid to figure out what you already know: Don't talk down to your audience. Thank them for paying to watch by giving the shows a chance. Give 'em something they think they've seen and then throw it in their face! I heart Saving Grace, The Closer, True Blood, Weeds, Californication, Rescue Me, Eureka, In Plain Sight, and The Tudors. None of these shows would have lasted a season on network tv.

In closing: We are not stupid. While I may get a kick out of watching the Kardasians pull each others hair or Gordon Ramsey scream at a group of nitwits (in truth, he is so much better on The F Word) or couples race around the globe; but I'm also tired of being told I'm too fat, too lazy, too poor, uneducated, unloved, and unlovable.

Quit it!

Until you do, I'll be watching "The Cable" as it's called in my house.