Random Saturday

* Tonight I am hosting karaoke for the first time solo. I felt fine until I opened Facebook and found a message from the friend I am subbing for giving me instructions on how to set up the computer, monitors, and sound. AHHHHHHHH! We barely went over that in the flesh. Now I'm super nervous. I'm sending all my good juju to myself and hoping someone at the bar has some idea what's going on. The computer I can handle. It's plugging in cords and microphones that scares the bejesus out of me. Oh god....

* If you love "House" as much as me, check out this list of House-ism's from last season. Priceless!

* I heart Neil Gaiman and cannot wait to get his new book:


* Do you watch Tosh.0 on Comedy Central? No? What the frak! Get in gear. Maybe you don't have cable, in which case I apologize for yelling. You know he's online too, right? I don't know about you, but I'll watch anything that addresses elves, hipster babies, and stupid criminals in one half hour show/blog.

* Hold onto your coslopuses Twihards: "Breaking Dawn" will be split into two movies. I'm not sure what's worse, that they couldn't figure out how to edit down the 900 page (mostly fluff) final book into one movie or the fact that I'm going to watch both of them. Probably twice. Fucking Twilight. You're ruining my life and my street cred.

* Attention advertisers, magazines, and TV entertainment shows: If I see another size 2 or 4 model telling me how to look great at any size, in any colour, on any planet; I am going to go all "Office Space" on your ass like a busted fax machine. Seriously, quit it.

* Why is Liam Neeson the #1 trending topic on Yahoo! right now? I mean, I love me some Neeson and you could play a very successful game of "6 Degrees of Liam Neeson" but it still confuses me. What are you up to Liam? Why is everyone searching for you?

* Dear Residents of apartment communities with control access gates: Pay attention. Ask yourself while driving up, "Is the gate already open?" Chances are it is, and you're wasting time punching in the code while cars pile up behind you. Move it or lose it.

* True Blood premieres tomorrow on HBO @ 8 PM Central. There is a 15-minute countdown show before hand. That's all you need to know. #waitingsucks

You Can Twitter If You're Lonely

Hello Sunday, you started out rough, got a bit better, then finished off with a big dose of crazy. I am over self-entitled people who think I should care about everything they have to say. Repeating your statement doesn't change my answer to it, nor does it change your statement. I will continue with my, "Please speak to my boss about that line" until the cows come home. You will not win. Leave me alone. But, enough about my crazy day; it's Sunday, a time for lists and hilarity!! Or, at least lists.

I set out to re-publish some of my favorite tweets from the past year. I though this would be a simple task. Certainly, there is a button for me to push that would show every original tweet I wrote. There isn't and I spend 2 days going through them all. Clearly, if I plan to do this again next year, I'll need to start a running tab.

*What the frak is "My Giant Head" & what is #tlc trying to tell us? 1/2/10

*It is too cold inside to be considered "inside" 12/26/09

*Must wash dishes so I can make Christmas Cake balls for tomorrow... wait... that sounded dirty 12/24/09

*Party balloons are the beach balls of winter 12/17/09

*I wanna have your babies, and by babies, I mean let's get a dog 12/13/09

*Dear Joggers- just because you're in a race doesn't mean you should race towards my moving car. I will hit you. That is all 12/13/09

*Why is Christina Aguilera preaching to me about DirectTV? Does she need me to set up her DVR?? 12/8/09

*Wonder if I tagged all my blog posts with "twilight", I'd get more hits. Experiment to commence in 3...2... 12/3/09

*so...sleepy...check for...gas leak... 11/5/09

*I was already smitten, but then John Cusack just said "abattoir" and I fell in love 10/30/09

*Love that for some reason Vikings is in the top trending topics. I keep imagining the Nordic, but I guess they mean football 10/25/09

*sad how sore I am, thanks Nola! You could have at least bought me dinner first! 10/29/09

*I'm pretty sure there's a pterodactyl outside my window 10/2/09

*If you don't know how to operate a door, you should just kill yourself now 8/29/09

*I just inhaled a piece of kleenex! It's like a lame low-budget horror movie 8/14/09

*Eating healthy food is driving me crazy. I actually dreamed I drank a coke & it was the best dream I'd had in weeks. Sad. 8/14/09

*I already don't want to go to work tomorrow. I'd call out, but I think they're buying us lunch. 7/30/09

*Why does @david_lynch have his own coffee? Do you open each canister and get a surprise? like a playing card or severed toe? 7/23/09

*How do you do tattooed guy w/eye patch walking down my street. Argh!! 7/22/09

*Remember Jason & the Argonauts? Those fighting skeletons? That's me, 3rd from the left 6/27/09

*What does one wear to gay bingo if you are neither gay nor enjoy bingo?? 6/20/09

*My left eye is trying to mutiny. I'm no good in a standoff 5/10/09

*left eye has joined forces with my stomach to make me slowly go crazy. I fear the mutiny will be successful 5/10/09

*The heavens opened and attempted to murder us all. Thankfully, only my pant hems suffered 5/2/09

Hola Saturday

* I'm really tired of movies with beautiful actresses and actors who can't seem to find love. I'm sure it is hard to be Cameron Diaz, her love life isn't the best example I've seen, but she'd probably do fine if she weren't famous. Hell, I don't even go that way but if an unknown Cameron Diaz chatted me up I'd be tempted to go. She gorgious! So, Hollywood, lay off. We feel bad enough about ourselves as it is that we don't need to be reminded the beautiful people find love hard too. See: The Holiday, Bridget Jones (if that's fat, I'm a porpise), The Object of My Affection (Jen Aniston can't get a straight man so she tries to change her gay friend? Come on), I think I Love My Wife (poor Chris Rock and his hot wife), Love Potion #9 (Sandy Bullock has glasses and is therefore unattractive. I actually like this movie, but still!), and on and on and on.

You know why Twilight is such a hit? Because Kristen Stewart is average- average looking, average acting, average. We, the audience, can transpose ourselves onto her performance and become the object of desire. We, the lonely outcast Garbo-esque waif, who's caught the eye of the most beautiful boy in school. Which leads me to my next problem- that doesn't happen either. A 10 doesn't date a 6 and vice versa. Unless your rich. Or famous. Or rich and famous. Either way, I prefer this model to identify with and would like more of the same in the future. Perhaps Kate Winslet could star.

* Best thing said to me by a firefighter this week: "I love egg shaped balls"

* As promised, my Welsh rarebit recipe:

* Last Friday, my friend had baby goats. Well, she didn't have them, one of her goats did. It is amazing how close the wilderness and outdoors are from the city. In less than half an hour, my buddy Lauren and I were running and jumping with the little kids. I even made up a song just for them: "Baby goats! You're just a bunch of cute little baby goats! You like to run and jump and, baby goats! Baby goats! Your momma's not so good, oh baby goats. That's why we're here to play with baby goats!" Clearly, I should be a song writer. Never the less, I know want a goat.

The Secret of Opera Length Gloves

Kind of a slow news day here. I'm counting down the minutes (134) until I can leave for Happy Hour and a weekend off. I can't remember what those were like. I know I just had one for my birthday, but it doesn't count- I was very busy cleaning and drinking Bloody Mary's. This one has no direction, except the movie theatre. Couple of good titles opening this weekend. I'm deciding between "Brothers" and "Up in the Air". I'm leaning towards the latter now that the National Review has named it the "Best Picture of 2009". Those are pretty bold words, and I'm pretty sure I already saw the best movie of the year, but I can't seem to remember...

It's finally getting cold here (38 degrees), so I will now produce my annual rant on the wonder of winter clothing:

I can’t help it. I’m a little bit trashy, a little bit rock n’ roll, I’m a little bit classy, I’m a little bit of a girl. It’s getting cold outside, which means two things: gloves and scarves.
I only own opera length gloves. I heart them. They instantly class up the place and add warmth to a notoriously uninsulated area. Unfortunately, as a very tactile person (and a smoker), gloves are the bane of my existence. It’s a true love hate relationship. That’s why I still mourn the loss of my fingerless gloves (a little bit trashy, but with a demure Fair Isle skull and cross bones motif), all the joy of knitwear, with only half the chance of frostbite. Dear Santa: please bring me a new pair for Xmas.

The biggest problem with opera length gloves is they were designed to be worn with a formal gown- they’re fake sleeves! Now, as a modern woman (or whatever that really means), I don’t have much call for formal wear. However, my love of long gloves is stronger than any current fashion trends. Observe:

Opera length gloves are best when worn with short sleeves (i.e. to make the outfit winter appropriate). If wearing with long sleeves, grasp the end of your sleeve in your palm. Push hand through glove, releasing sleeve only when the hand must be extended to fit into palm of glove. Enjoy!

It may be sad that I’ve spent time perfecting this technique.

From a not too distant “Oprah”, she revived her boutique segment to talk about the best shoes for the season. I taped the episode because they were supposed to talk about fun new ways to wear a scarf. Uh… I’m still waiting. You mean I can tie it in a knot at my neck? Or double it up, pulling the end through the loop? I thought we were going to get a lesson is chic, European style! I was truly bummed out at the end of the episode, then even more bummed when I realized I was bummed because of Oprah. That bitch!

Okay, I'm going to stop this nonsense before it gets any worse. Happy Weekend!

Misconceiving Texas

In my growing effort to dispel the myths of being Texan, I’ve decided finally to “take it to the blog”. It has amazed me for years, the common misconceptions people have about my great state. From New York to California to Tennessee, the number of amazing, and sometimes ridiculously ignorant, questions I have received have overwhelmed my brain; nudging out important Jeopardy trivia facts, names of acquaintances, and my entire 3rd grade year.

What other state requires two years of state history? Texas. I know more about the Alamo than I do about recent American history. I never made it past the industrial revolution in school, but I have two years of Alamo, American Indian War, Mexican-American War, and annexation, but no years of Roosevelt or Kennedy. Kinda sad, right? Not if you want to indoctrinate your citizens with an overwhelming pride that could only possibly be matched by New Yorkers.

Welcome to "Misconceiving Texas".

Misconception about Texas #3: It's always hot.

First off, not true. Sure, we might not have the snowed in trials and tribulations of the Midwest and Northeast, but that doesn't mean we don't experience winter. This isn't California! Texas has four agreed upon regions that comprise it's almost 262,000 square miles: Coastal Plains, Interior Lowlands, Great Plains, and Mountains and Basin Range. Each has a unique topography that mimics the rest of the country. How can a state so large be lumped into only one category? It's impossible.

In the Coastal Plains, winters are pretty mild. Encompassing, Houston, Corpus Christi, to San Antonio. Tropical winds moving in from the Gulf of Mexico keep the coast line humid.
From Abilene to Dallas and down towards Waco, the Interior Lowlands are what I call home. Very hot summers lead to crisp winters. No one who lives here should have any argument against the existence of global warming. When I was in grade school, we had snow days and ice days. I can remember crunching through the ice towards home from school. Now, the winters are cold but mostly dry. We haven't had a real winter since the Ice Storm of 2000. That being said, 30⁰F is cold anywhere in the world.

(Yep, that was my car earlier this week. Like the beginnings of Lake Murderville in the background?)

In the Great Plains region, they wouldn't know snow if it knocked on their door. When I lived in Austin, I was surprised at how warm it was in January. I asked them if they ever got snow or ice. My friends who grew up there looked at me like I'd sprouted a second head! This is not to say the freak snow storm doesn't pop up from time to time. My sister said there was one a few years ago that disrupted finals at A&M, however it is uncommon.

On many maps, the Great Plains reaches up into the Texas panhandle. Here, snow is a completely different story. Lubbock and Amarillo lie in the same plain as New Mexico and parts of Colorado, so they get a good dose of snow in the winters and have temperate summers.
In the Mountains and Basins region, snow is a foreign word. Sweeping up the Western portion of the state along the Rio Grande to El Paso, like other desert regions, it gets cold in the winter but nothing more.

Where ever you're from in the U.S., there is a part of Texas that will make you feel like home. Enjoy hiking and being outdoors? Check out the central part of the state. Are you a snow bunny who wants winter or bust? Move to the panhandle. Fishing, snorkeling, and bad surfing can be found along the coast. For those of you who want the Texas you see in television advertisements, check out the Rio Grande.

And yes, Virginia, it gets cold here too.