The Girl Code

A Primer for Those Not in the Know

There are certain things little girls grow up learning that differs tremendously from little boys, and no; I'm not including the "sex" talk or 4th grade health class. What I'm talking about is the Girl Code. We learn: that sharing is okay so long as the other girl knows the object is now not hers, that gossip is an easy way to pass the time, that short skirts will get us attention, that profanity is funny out of our mouths, and that pinky swear is the ultimate in girl swear.

As we get older, many of these codes evolve and dissolve into new codes (which we will now call "beliefs" or "rules"). We share more with our girlfriends than just our Barbie's. We share clothes, secrets, dieting tips, trips to the bathroom, gossip, toothbrushes, relationship advice, guy talk, sex talk, books, movies, and periods. The major difference now is we're not worried about when we'll get a loaned item back and the stream of expletives that flow out of our mouths is no longer funny.

One thing we don't share (and maybe one of the only things) is boys. Stealing a friends boyfriend is tantamount to treason and the definition of stealing is loosely defined at best. In general, once your girlfriend has gone out with him he's off limits. I'm not saying they went on one or two dates and called it quits (though some girls will define it that way), but more if they were in any stage of a relationship past awkward hugs good bye. If they've slept together, he's off limits.

Can you get around this code? Is it possible not to banish any and all new males from the group simply for taking your friend out? Maybe. Depends.

Say one of your friends ex's starts chatting you up and asks you out. Previous to this exchange, you may have never entertained such an idea but now that it's in front of you who are you to turn it down? It's been a while since your last date and that was a disaster. As a girl and friend to his ex, you should immediately decline. The next step is to feel out what she thinks of the whole situation, which I call Asking Permission. Did they just break up? Is she still in love/like/lust with him? Do you value her as a friend in any way? If the answer was "yes" to any of these, Girl Code dictates that he is off limits. Has she found someone new or started dating again? Is she over him (but not hate him)? Then you can ask permission, and that's exactly what you're doing.

"Hey, I saw Joe McCool yesterday. It was really weird, he asked me out. I felt kind of uncomfortable about it though because I know you guys dated/used to be kind of serious/lived together."

Then you wait for her response. In most cases, your friend will remember Code #1 about sharing and since she no longer harbors any attachment to him will give her blessing. Listen carefully to clues that he is/was bad news. However, if she says something like "I hope you told him no/go to hell!"; he is off limits. Heck, for all intents and purposes he is dead to you.

What if it's been a while (I mean years here, not months), and your girlfriend has moved on to someone new and it's pretty serious. What if she doesn't live in the state? What if you've moved and haven't seen her in a while? What if?

Girl Code still dictates you tell her, but now you're not so much asking permission (i.e. being passive aggressive) as you are giving her a heads up. I don't know why I find this to be the most difficult scenario. Maybe because I don't think you should have to seek permission from someone who is living with/engaged/married to someone else. That, if nothing else, should put him back "in limits". Maybe it's also because things don't always (usually) last very long with me and I'd prefer not to jinx it or have to answer for it later. I believe strongly in the jinx and am convinced it has something to do with things turning sour shortly after I start talking about a new beau.

How do you view the Girl Code? What do you do?

To Or Not To??

As you know, I've been a lonely sad sack for quite awhile now. It's during these times of drought that misplaced thoughts and bad ideas tend to creep up with more frequency. Case in point: Should you ever date friends?

I know all the magazines talk about the importance of friendship first and don't discount what's right in front of you; but I have to wonder: Is that really a good thing?
[side note: I totally felt like Carrie Bradshaw writing that last bit! God, what a nerd.]

I established the No Friends Rule after my ex became best friends with many of my friends while we were going out and then refused to give them up after we had broken up. It was awkward for quite a long time to say the least. I hoped to avoid this in the future so I said, "No more dating friends and no more introducing dates to friends". Surprisingly, this rule stayed intact for quite a few years. I never felt tempted to break it or emend it until a couple years ago. The addition to the rule was simple: You can date friends if they're not your best/good friend and/or are not best friends with your best/good friend. This allowed me to entertain the notion of acquaintances and casual friends without feeling bad or worrying about the consequences. It worked really well and I felt freer to accept what happened naturally. It also forced me to be more honest in the way I treated these relationships. If I wasn't feeling it, I had to nip it in the bud immediately or risk losing that friendship.

Now, I have to reflect on this rule again. You see, it would be easy if I met people outside of the group but you know my "stranger danger" mentality doesn't bode well for that. The other option is to encourage my friends to get attractive new friend's and invite them over more. (Why can't that work??) Otherwise, I feel I will soon be forced to address this situation head on and either make a concession or stick to my guns. Either way could end poorly.

I feel I would be remiss to deny an opportunity to have a little fun (and maybe cause my eye to stop twitching for an evening- PLEASE!) and explore; but, how do I know if I should? Is there a checklist somewhere I could use? You know how much I love lists! Is there anything that's a deal breaker? I know what kills it for me in a relationship but have no real idea what makes for a good person to date. You'd think with very little standards I'd have more offers and dates coming in! Usually I think 3 things when evaluating the situation: Are they cute/am I attracted? Do they fit the preexisting list of all potential mates (They must be my height or taller and they must be my age or older)? Do we have anything in common?

Is that enough when your treading on a friendship?

Maybe I'm over thinking and whole possible future situation is in my head. Even so, surely I must be prepared if and when it does come up. Help!

I Blame Gordon Ramsey For This!

Last night I went to a birthday dinner for the lovely shine at Bolsa. The best things about the restaurant were the bartenders and our waiter Ben, a younger, more handsome, slightly ethnic Henry Thomas. The restaurant was packed when we got there at 7 PM, so we sidled up to the bar to peruse the cocktail menu. They have an extensive list of wine and spirits available. As soon as I saw the Applejack Sazerac I knew I was set. I asked the bartender if I could have a traditional Sazerac (my favorite cocktail!) and off he went. A few seconds later, the bar manager came over and said, "Who wanted the Sazerac?" I raised my hand, "Where have you been all my life?"

He was charming and peppered us with trivia knowledge about the drink and it's origins. "People say I make the best Sazerac this side of New Orleans."

"We'll see, sir," I replied "We'll see."

I was not disappointed- It was delicious!

Once we were all assembled, we took out seats on the patio and set about ordering. Not a small feat I assure you- 16 guests, 2 picnic tables= slightly awkward.

One of the things that impressed me about Bolsa, and a reason I always wanted to go there, is their commitment to local and organic produce. The menu changes daily based on what is available at market that morning. However, when our food finally arrived, I wondered if their idea of organic meant "sans salt". The problem with the dishes is that they are conceived and created as a whole, not as individual components that compliment one another.

I had the good fortune to sit next to my friend Natalie, vegetarian. As I had already consumed enough red meat to last a month, I decided to go in on a veggie plate with her. Our delicious waiter assured us this was "not [his] first time at the rodeo" (love!), and the kitchen would be happy to assemble something for us. What we got was the Twigs & Branch flatbread (arugula, goat cheese, grapes), marscapone polenta, ratatouille, and haricot verts in a salsa verde.

The polenta was bland, which is too often the case, and adding marscapone to it doesn't help. How about a little salt? Maybe some pepper? The green beans were delicious (yum, garlic!), and thank god for the grilled onions in the ratatouille which really helped liven up the flatbread.

I just don't understand a chef who's afraid of salt or seasoning. Our friends who ordered protein fared a bit better, as there was sauce to flavor the polenta and sides. The Braised short rib was delicious, but the risotto that came with it was a bit sad. I've never seen such a uncreamy mess in my life. This is why I don't try to cook it at home, I don't have the chops. Perhaps they should hold off as well. The Coq au Vin looked fantastic. The bruscetta appetizer was hit or miss. The toppings delicious (smoked salmon, apples and honey, prosciutto and figs), but some of the bread was soft, and some crispy. A bit of an execution error there.

I would love to go back to Bolsa for drinks, and I would try the food again but only after looking at the menu ahead of time to see if it was worth it. Regardless of the food, I had a lovely time with my friends and hope to do it again soon. I was totally serious about the girly slumber party!

So It Is

Recently, the subject of blogging and how personal one should be when writing came up. The agreed upon fear of someone reading it and knowing you were talking about them. Have you revealed too much, too little? Is it boring? Is there a line that should never be crossed? Should your blog be like your diary?

Dear Blog,
Today I made pancakes and stared at the pile of dishes in the sink until, finally, deciding to walk away and leave them for another day.

Dear Blog,
Does he like me? Circle yes or no.

I can certainly understand these fears. You’re writing is sent out into the world to be read by friend and foe alike, by those in your intimate circle and by perfect strangers. Today, I decided: Fuck it! What’s the point if I’m not also getting some kind of cathartic release from writing? Isn’t that sometimes the point? I’ve played it too close to the vest so far. Which leads to today’s topic: Friendship.

Friendship is supposed to be easy. Next to familial relationships, they require the least amount of work to be successful. The rules of friendship are simple and finite:

1. Be respectful
2. Have fun, even when you’re not having fun
3. If you have a problem, talk it out
4. Be there for each other if and when they need it

I may not be the best friend at all times, but I am loyal to a fault and can forgive minor infractions better than I ever imagined I could. I really want to believe that my friends are there for me as I have been for them. I want to believe that they don’t have ulterior motives, that they are not vindictive or cruel.

Friendship is a little hard for me. I went through a revolving door of friendships, a new one each year, until high school. Of those friends, I am now only in passing acquaintance with two. It’s hard for me to trust people. I don’t let anyone get too close. I try never to show weakness. I want to be in control. I want to be the rock for which they come to lean.

Today, I finalized the end of a 7 year friendship. I never saw it coming. We had been through so much together: multiple jobs, a divorce, the beginning and end of relationships, the 4 AM phone calls when she’d had a fight with her boyfriend and was sitting in a 7-11 parking lot crying. We vacationed together. All of this came to a standstill Saturday.

The reason she has no interest in apologizing for her behavior or mending this friendship is because I’m mean. I post unflattering pics of her online (which I removed when she asked me too, and besides; it’s not my fault you are unable to smile in a photo and are unhappy with your body. This is how you look). I don’t drop everything when she mentions in passing an activity she wants to do within the next three days. My memory is not perfect. If there’s something you want to do, but not today, you should remind me. Apparently, telling someone you would be bummed if they didn’t hang out with you on your last day in town is grounds for turning off your phone and ignoring their calls wondering where you are. You can then let your friends treat them rudely and expect no consequence.

The reality is: I may be a bit harsh at times. I have a problem with keeping my thoughts and opinions too myself, especially with friends whom you are supposed to be able to be honest with. I love taking pictures and would rather put one up of you not smiling, then have no proof of your existence at all.

I try never to let bad feelings build up until there is nothing to be done about them. I am the first to come to you, although it will be hard for me as I don’t like conflict with friends, and say, “Hey, when you do this, it make me feel…”

I’m rambling a bit now, and I apologize. It’s just…

My Dad says I should watch how I open myself to others. Almost, that I should be vigilante in looking for faults and avoiding them. If I did, if I went back to the girl I was in school, I wouldn’t have any friends at all. I’d become a hermit, sitting at home with a bottle of Jack in one hand and a pink lady Bic in the other. I can’t go back there. A friend, who I think I may be able to starting calling my good friend, said recently that she realized what a social creature she was. That she needed to be around people as much as possible or she’d just be depressed. I certainly understand that concept. We are social animals. We need interaction. I love sitting at home, reading a book or watching a movie, maybe drinking a glass or two from my box o’wine; but I have to go out at some point too. I have to let someone in, at least a little, to have a connection with another breathing soul.

I thought this person was a friend I would be happy to call “My Friend” for years to come. I guessed wrong.

No sooner had I read her cold reply to my heartfelt email about the situation that transpired this weekend, then she had already “un-friended” me from Facebook. Ouch. That was supposed to be my big move! Do I erase all pictures of her from my photo albums? Do I photo shop her out of the nice ones of me and of other people? Is it sad that we now think in terms of Facebook when dissolving a relationship? Used to be, you just erased their number from your phonebook. Now, I have to think about all this.

I’m surprised by how un-upset I am. Perhaps, it’s because I knew this was coming since Sunday. Perhaps, because I already got my good cry out of the way. Either way, it’s done. The end of an era (if we’re speaking in the “Friends” definition of an era. How eerie that that episode was on last night?).

Samstag ist auf Deutsch gelegentlich

* I spent the last two nights on a bit of a bender, first celebrating a friends birthday and second celebrating a night out of the house and great karaoke. No, that is not a typo or an oxymoron, karaoke can be good, it can be fun, it can be enjoyable! Last night, my local hangout hosted a punk club reunion. These events are the latest craze it seems: get a bunch of old bands from a club that closed 10 years ago and host a party in its memory. What started as a mild annoyance (who are all these people and why are they at my bar?) turned into delight. Everyone who got up to sing was great and the song choice was the best I'd heard in years. Badfinger, Depeche Mode, Survivor. It seemed like as good a time as any to dust off an old standard: "Too Drunk to Fuck" by the Dead Kennedy's. PS- it was awesome! Anywho, this night also lead to some amazing conversation I'd like to share with you now:

- An older gentleman got up to sing with his backup singer/dancer/mime. His choice: Barenaked Ladies "If I Had a Million Dollars". His style: Smother's Brothers. It was awesome! You think that song was funny? You don't know nothing yet!

- "Baby Squirrels. Like schnauzers but cattle" For years I have been obsessed with baby squirrels. What do they look like? Why do you never see them running around? Where are they?!? I shared my concerns/amazement with my friend Lauren and she immediately became obsessed. Last night, the question was finally answered. She saw a news story all about baby squirrels. Apparently, they look just like regular squirrels but miniature. The above quote came from that conversation. As soon as I heard it, I just had to write it down.

[side note: I don't buy this baby squirrel is miniature regular squirrel with out photographic evidence! I want pictures people!]

- The best response to a somewhat awkward exchange: Upon my friend grazing my boob in conversation and me doing the same in retaliation, she claimed it was not her fault as my boobs were too big and possible getting bigger. I said, "Every time you touch them they get bigger". Her boyfriend replied, "Funny, that happens to me too!". Best quote of the night!

- The nicest thing anyone's said to me this week comes courtesy of my pal CJ: "You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen. So stand down!"

* You ever played that game, Who Would Play You in a Movie? This is similar to the "You Know Who You Look Like Game?" Every now and then, this game gets played on me. "Excuse me. Who do people say you look like most?" I don't mind answering this question, I mean who would? The problem lies in whether or not you think the answer is flattering or not. The person I most hear I look like is Uma Thurman. I find this favorable, but it really depends on the movie and year to which they are referring. Because of my hair, its usually Pulp Fiction and I say "thank you". What bothers me (I'm not sure that's the right word...) is that the vote is 50/50 on the attractiveness of Ms Thurman. What makes someone beautiful? Well, we know scientists and artists agree its symmetry. The relative proportion of your eyes, nose, mouth to one another and their proportion to you face. While no face or body can be completely symmetrical, those that are closest to it are deemed more lovely. Today, an exaggeration of any said feature can result in a positive response.

I always like the look of Uma. She was different, "ugly pretty" as I would later call it. There's something about her... I hope that this is a complement. I know my Dad was pretty shaken up when I said he would be played by Bill Murray. I don't see why that's bad. I love Bill Murray! Of course, what I really wanted to say was if Bill Murray and Kevin Klein had a baby, that baby would play him in a movie. My Mother is played by Susan Sarandon or Francis Fisher. My sister is played by Liv Tyler. What a beautiful family portrait!

* I've started learning German, hence the title of this post. I can't say I'm doing very well. I feel very confident pointing out cars and buildings and describing them as big or little. I've got my basic colours down and can count to twelve. I've got everything my father tried to teach me and I promptly forgotten. What's really funny, is if I don't know the word in German I use the word in French. I figure 4 years of French should come in handy sometime, why not now? It is certainly a bit problematic with learning another language. Why am I doing this again? Why don't I just focus on bettering the one foreign language I kinda know? No idea. I blame my friend who gave me these cd's. Unfortunately, she's still on disc 1 while I'm on disc 2; so the practicing that is supposed to be happening is not.

I'm not being rude, I'm just loud

Ugh, so it's Saturday and that normally means something random, but I gotta tell you; I got nothing. I spent the week at work, bored, or at home watching TV. The monotony was broken only by jury duty Wednesday and I already wrote about that. I re-discovered that I am very loud and that some people don't like that. Thankfully, others think it's hilarious.

I've kind of lost my filter. I used to be good at hiding my emotions from my face. I used to be good at keeping my thoughts to myself. I used to be better about gossiping. No more. There doesn't seem to be anything stopping me from saying I don't think someone is attractive when they're within earshot. Or, from telling someone exactly what I think about their outfit/opinion/boyfriend or girlfriend.

Is this a bad thing? Perhaps, given the level at which I normally talk, it's not especially great; but what about in general? Is there such a thing as too much honesty? I would think so, but where is the line? I try my hardest not to upset my friends. If I did, I'm sure I'd be looking for new ones real quick. Strangers, well, you know how I feel about them already so I think they're fair game.

Why are there certain topics we're not supposed to talk about? How do we learn more or satisfy our own curiosity if we can't ask questions? Surely there is a way to talk about anything with some grace and respect. Look at the two deadly sins of conversation: politics and religion. Why can't I ask someone about being Republican or Democrat? Why can't we talk about the differences between Catholic and Baptist and Jehovah's Witness? Why are these inappropriate "party conversations"? The only reason we're supposed to avoid these topics is because we cannot be honest with ourselves and we cannot be tolerant of others. Aren't we supposed to learn tolerance at home, or if not there, then at school? As far as I'm concerned, as long as you know what you're talking about or why you feel the way you do, the topic is open for discussion. The only thing I can't tolerate is someone who spouts off an opinion with no way of backing it up. "Because" didn't work when we were kids, and it's not going to work now.

Curiosity may have killed the cat, but he had 8 more lives when he was done. We should embrace that philosophy and charge ourselves to learn more about the people and the world around us. Maybe not in such an abrupt and forward way as I do, but in whatever way works for you. PS- If I ever offend you in conversation, I'm sure I don't mean too. That or you're too sensitive and should really work on that.

Here's a little cartoon c/o I can haz :