The Girl Code

A Primer for Those Not in the Know

There are certain things little girls grow up learning that differs tremendously from little boys, and no; I'm not including the "sex" talk or 4th grade health class. What I'm talking about is the Girl Code. We learn: that sharing is okay so long as the other girl knows the object is now not hers, that gossip is an easy way to pass the time, that short skirts will get us attention, that profanity is funny out of our mouths, and that pinky swear is the ultimate in girl swear.

As we get older, many of these codes evolve and dissolve into new codes (which we will now call "beliefs" or "rules"). We share more with our girlfriends than just our Barbie's. We share clothes, secrets, dieting tips, trips to the bathroom, gossip, toothbrushes, relationship advice, guy talk, sex talk, books, movies, and periods. The major difference now is we're not worried about when we'll get a loaned item back and the stream of expletives that flow out of our mouths is no longer funny.

One thing we don't share (and maybe one of the only things) is boys. Stealing a friends boyfriend is tantamount to treason and the definition of stealing is loosely defined at best. In general, once your girlfriend has gone out with him he's off limits. I'm not saying they went on one or two dates and called it quits (though some girls will define it that way), but more if they were in any stage of a relationship past awkward hugs good bye. If they've slept together, he's off limits.

Can you get around this code? Is it possible not to banish any and all new males from the group simply for taking your friend out? Maybe. Depends.

Say one of your friends ex's starts chatting you up and asks you out. Previous to this exchange, you may have never entertained such an idea but now that it's in front of you who are you to turn it down? It's been a while since your last date and that was a disaster. As a girl and friend to his ex, you should immediately decline. The next step is to feel out what she thinks of the whole situation, which I call Asking Permission. Did they just break up? Is she still in love/like/lust with him? Do you value her as a friend in any way? If the answer was "yes" to any of these, Girl Code dictates that he is off limits. Has she found someone new or started dating again? Is she over him (but not hate him)? Then you can ask permission, and that's exactly what you're doing.

"Hey, I saw Joe McCool yesterday. It was really weird, he asked me out. I felt kind of uncomfortable about it though because I know you guys dated/used to be kind of serious/lived together."

Then you wait for her response. In most cases, your friend will remember Code #1 about sharing and since she no longer harbors any attachment to him will give her blessing. Listen carefully to clues that he is/was bad news. However, if she says something like "I hope you told him no/go to hell!"; he is off limits. Heck, for all intents and purposes he is dead to you.

What if it's been a while (I mean years here, not months), and your girlfriend has moved on to someone new and it's pretty serious. What if she doesn't live in the state? What if you've moved and haven't seen her in a while? What if?

Girl Code still dictates you tell her, but now you're not so much asking permission (i.e. being passive aggressive) as you are giving her a heads up. I don't know why I find this to be the most difficult scenario. Maybe because I don't think you should have to seek permission from someone who is living with/engaged/married to someone else. That, if nothing else, should put him back "in limits". Maybe it's also because things don't always (usually) last very long with me and I'd prefer not to jinx it or have to answer for it later. I believe strongly in the jinx and am convinced it has something to do with things turning sour shortly after I start talking about a new beau.

How do you view the Girl Code? What do you do?

To Or Not To??

As you know, I've been a lonely sad sack for quite awhile now. It's during these times of drought that misplaced thoughts and bad ideas tend to creep up with more frequency. Case in point: Should you ever date friends?

I know all the magazines talk about the importance of friendship first and don't discount what's right in front of you; but I have to wonder: Is that really a good thing?
[side note: I totally felt like Carrie Bradshaw writing that last bit! God, what a nerd.]

I established the No Friends Rule after my ex became best friends with many of my friends while we were going out and then refused to give them up after we had broken up. It was awkward for quite a long time to say the least. I hoped to avoid this in the future so I said, "No more dating friends and no more introducing dates to friends". Surprisingly, this rule stayed intact for quite a few years. I never felt tempted to break it or emend it until a couple years ago. The addition to the rule was simple: You can date friends if they're not your best/good friend and/or are not best friends with your best/good friend. This allowed me to entertain the notion of acquaintances and casual friends without feeling bad or worrying about the consequences. It worked really well and I felt freer to accept what happened naturally. It also forced me to be more honest in the way I treated these relationships. If I wasn't feeling it, I had to nip it in the bud immediately or risk losing that friendship.

Now, I have to reflect on this rule again. You see, it would be easy if I met people outside of the group but you know my "stranger danger" mentality doesn't bode well for that. The other option is to encourage my friends to get attractive new friend's and invite them over more. (Why can't that work??) Otherwise, I feel I will soon be forced to address this situation head on and either make a concession or stick to my guns. Either way could end poorly.

I feel I would be remiss to deny an opportunity to have a little fun (and maybe cause my eye to stop twitching for an evening- PLEASE!) and explore; but, how do I know if I should? Is there a checklist somewhere I could use? You know how much I love lists! Is there anything that's a deal breaker? I know what kills it for me in a relationship but have no real idea what makes for a good person to date. You'd think with very little standards I'd have more offers and dates coming in! Usually I think 3 things when evaluating the situation: Are they cute/am I attracted? Do they fit the preexisting list of all potential mates (They must be my height or taller and they must be my age or older)? Do we have anything in common?

Is that enough when your treading on a friendship?

Maybe I'm over thinking and whole possible future situation is in my head. Even so, surely I must be prepared if and when it does come up. Help!

L'amour in B flat

It seems I have been talking about relationships and dating a lot recently. It becomes the topic of all conversations and many of the blogs I read. Unfortunately, I have nothing of significance or insight to contribute. I think I have been on 2 official dates my whole life, and one of them doesn’t really count since I was already dating the guy. Part of the problem is no one asks me. If you like me, just say you like me. Ask me out. The worst that will happen is you will flatter me and I will very graciously decline. (Stop laughing! I can be gracious!)

The other part of the problem is that I hate beginnings. Everyone seems to love them, movies are made in their honor, but for me- they can suck it. I much prefer the middle. It’s comforting. You already know where you stand. You have learned some of the bad habits, and good ones as well. Your friends are used to the idea and treat him/her in a respectable manner. Perhaps they even like him! Middles are where it’s at.

The other problem with beginnings is I get distracted pretty easily by shiny objects. I get bored. You must move in a forward fashion to keep from drowning (or to get to the oasis that is “the middle”).

[side note: worst analogy ever. I think I threw up a little in my mouth just typing it out]

Call when you say you are going to call. I don’t care if it’s everyday. On that same note, I don’t have to see you every day either. Sure, it could be nice; but don’t you have your own friends? I know I do, and I would like to hang out with them without your presence. How am I expected to gossip about you if you are there?

What I hate the most, if I can be honest, is feeling like a “girl”. I hate it. Vulnerability has no place in the outside world. I don’t want to sit around waiting for the call that is supposed to come, but doesn’t. As a walking contradiction: I am reminiscent of a time I didn’t even live through. There is no dating or courting process anymore. I’ve had more boyfriends then I’ve had dates proves it. I long for those times. Why are they so uncommon? I want to be asked out and picked up and taken out and shown a good time. I don’t want to pay for anything on the first date (though I don’t mind splitting later or going on the whoever-asked-pays rule). I want him to walk on the outside, hold my hand. I want to live in 1954.