Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Last night I yelled at my friend. I'm not really proud of it but in all fairness I would probably do it again. There is one sure fire way to provoke me into raving madness: "You wouldn't understand."

This phrase has been said to me countless times and has yet to lose it's ability to make me crazy. Not only does it attack my cognitive reasoning but my ability to empathize (the last feeling I truly think I possess). It's discriminatory and insulting to the person you say it to, and makes you look smug. Worse, it is almost always wrong.

I've heard this all my life. It's usually in context to my age but has also been used in conjunction with my skin colour, educational background, religion, sexual orientation, and economic status. Interesting, all things recognized as protected classes by the government.

I was raised to think before I speak and I'll be the first to admit, I'm not very good at it. My verbal filter is eternally clogged and I say whatever comes to mind much of the time. However, I don't pretend to be the expert when I'm not and I don't give an opinion where I don't have one. When I say something, I mean it and I probably have good reason for it as well.

The worst offenders of said unfortunate phrase? Women. We believe our problems are our own and that no one has ever been in the same position as us. We believe our feelings are unique. We believe no one understands us. We are wrong.

Much has been said about being a guys girl. Chelsea Handler, at her show Saturday, said there's a reason for girls without girlfriends; they're cunts (her words, not mine. You know how I feel about the "C" word). Even as a "guys-girl", I've always tried to maintain a few female relationships. There are certain things you don't want to talk to your male friends about, and besides; they usually don't want to go find the perfect sandals or visit Sephora with you. All this being said, I have never heard the above from one of my guy friends- ever. If we get into an argument it usually resolves itself when one of us gets hungry or tired or admits defeat. It is understood that anyone can understand your position if you explain it properly. It is also understood that doing so does not mean they will agree with you.

My anger last night did not originally stem from my friend but the situation she was explaining to me. It upset me greatly and deeply (I was practically shaking). On reflection, I can see how this might have been misinterpreted. However, when the phrase "You just wouldn't understand" was mentioned... What would be the point in talking to someone who would be unable to understand? You might as well talk to a brick wall or a child.

What I regret is not walking away fully when I tried to (another thing- let people walk away. this goes for everyone. We teach our children to walk away from confrontation, yet we keep trying to pull them back in; even as adults). I regret the number of times I said "bullshit". I regret joining the conversation when it was clear it was serious and I just wanted to have a good time. I regret any discomfort caused. But, I don't regret anything I said, maybe just how I said it.

So please, for the love of Pete (whoever he may be), stop saying this phrase.

Chelsea! What Are You Doing?!

What should have been a 20 minute trip at most, turned into 45 while we tried to get to Chelsea Handler. Whoever decided there should be one exit, a one-lane exit mind you, that lead to both the Nokia Theatre (sorry, the Verizon Center) and Lone Star Park must have been on drugs. He should ask for a refund, because whatever he was taking must have gone bad. Amusing us as we moved .8 miles in 25 minutes were at least 7 single shoes on the side of the road (and an intestine). Where were the shoe pairs? Wouldn't you notice you were missing your right shoe? What the heck happened on the side of the road?

When we finally arrived, the scene inside was no better. If you are not already a fan of Chelsea Handler or her show "Chelsea Lately", first off- What's wrong with you? Secondly, she is a big fan of drinking and vodka (especially Belvedere). So, why is there only 1 bartender per line who is making drinks and ringing people up? We stood there for a hour waiting to get beer. We missed her opener, Brad Wolack; which doesn't bum me out so much but still. How is that acceptable? We wasted some time bitching with the people around us and taking our picture next to the Cardboard Chelsea set up next to the merch table.

Armed with our 2- 24oz Miller Lites, we head off in search of our seats. It is pitch black inside. The first usher I walked up to told me I went in the wrong way (which was the way the ticket taker told me to go), and to talk to the next usher. So, I walked over to her. No big deal. She pointed to where our seats were and up I went. Again, I couldn't see a thing- not the row number, not the seat number, nothing. My seat seemed not to be next to my buddies, so I asked the two people separating us if they would mind scooting down. They made a big deal out of getting up and when I leaned in to say thanks, the woman told me I was rude. Uh, okay lady- suck it. The 4th member or our unhappy gang arrived and there was no seat for her. What was going on? Rude childish lady told us we were in the wrong section so we shuffled off to the other end of the row where there were empty seats. Of course, nothing can end well just yet. The pseudo-Christians I was sitting next to kept commenting on how inappropriate our laughter was. Why are you here?!!!!!

"Every girl has hidden a shadoobie"
Thankfully, my 1st 24oz can was there to comfort me, and the show began. I have one beef with Chelsea- Why you breaking the code, girl? Chelsea has cracked our game wide open. According to her (and confirmed by every female in the room, which was substantial), at some point you (lady) or someone you know (another lady) has hidden a shadoobie- whether you immediately left the party to go home, threw it out the window, or held it in- we don't go #2. Failing to comply with this rule can result in an unintended breakup with your boyfriend when the toilet breaks and there is no plunger in sight. The "token" guy sitting with us (my friend Lauren's boyfriend) could not stop laughing- He had no idea anything like this was going on. Of course, we all laughed and nodded knowingly to each other.

"Do you think it's okay to drink while pregnant... If you're planning to give it up for adoption?"
Much of her show recounted stories she wrote about in her latest book but in more (or better) detail. The break-up with her boyfriend, and CEO of her network, was chronicled there; though she was not as nice last night. From reading her book, I assumed he had broken up with her and all of her crazy shenanigans. Now it seems, she broke up with him because he didn't get her crazy shenanigans. Either way, she almost wet herself twice while talking about it. There is nothing better than a comedian who cracks themselves up, especially when talking about something they already wrote about and have probably mentioned at every show. Girl needs to get some Carefree.

"You can't expect to be date raped over a frappuccino"

The above is the reason why meeting for coffee is not an acceptable first date option. As I said, it's drink or be drunk in the Chelsea lexicon and coffee is not on the menu. I have to seriously agree. The only people I'm meeting for coffee are my girlfriends, and even then I'd suggest a bar instead. No one over the age of 21 should have coffee dates unless they're a hippie. In the wise words of Chelsea (and many other's), "I'm not drinking to be funny, I'm drinking to make you funnier"

Hello Saturday My Old Friend

Hello Saturday, How you doing? I missed you.

* Last weekend I was MIA from the blogosphere due to my internment in College Station, TX. I was visiting my delightful sister and auditing classes. Unfortunately, my twitchy eye has been replaced by a random cough. Do not listen to nurse practitioners/doctors who tell you Sudafed PE is less drowsy- it is not! I missed the second half of classes to sleep off the meds. After that, I just gave up. It's a lot better now (so glad I went to the minute clinic only to be prescribed drugs I already owned- We'll get to that next). So, she had a wonderful birthday, we ate delicious food (you can read all about it and see pictures here). Doesn't she look lovely?:

(I on the other hand am covered in beer. Damned drunken college kids!)

One of the highlights of the trip was our impromptu stop at Blockbuster. All of their stores are closing in College Station, so they set up an outlet store where all DVDs go to die. It was glorious! Everything was $.99! We could not stop laughing and running into each other while pawing through boxes and boxes of movies. I think I was very modest and controlled in my purchases:

* So, back to the drugs thing. It is imperative, I've come to realize, to write the function of your prescription drugs on the label. Otherwise, you have no idea what you're sitting on and will get another bottle of something you already own- I'm looking at you cough medicine! How annoying. Worse yet, is when you have no idea what something does so you look it up and then can't remember why you would have ever been prescribed it. Case in point: Meloxicam. I have half a bottle in my medicine basket. What the heck is it? I looked it up on wikipedia but they were uncommonly unhelpful. I finally came across another website that told me what it's prescribed for- osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis. What? Why do I have this? I have neither of these conditions to the best of my knowledge. Would it help the charlie horse I developed yesterday morning, because I need something for that now? There are at least two other bottles of unknown origin and substance in there and I'll be damned if I look those up as well!

* Jennie's word of the day: Turtle

* Over heard: "I've got nuts to chew!"

* When I get an idea, or offer to do something for someone else; I usually repeat said idea/offer at least twice more. Example: I am making a couple CDs for my friend Lauren (who has graced this screen several times). It usually takes me a while to get around to this type of thing as I rarely use my own computer. You see, I don't have Internet at home so I have to pirate if off who ever lives in my building with an unsecured WiFi. About a week after I promised her two CDs, I promised another friend I'd make him a mix tape (my favorite kind). I respect his stance on pirated music much like he respects mine on pirated movies, so a mix tape was a natural compromise. Then on Thursday, I promised another two CDs to my date. Now I have to make 5 Cd's in as few days. Crap.

* This week, I have become obsessed with these sites:
Hyperbole and a Half
The Daily Wh.at

* According to Business Week, The Donner Party did not resort to cannibalism. I don't know why that bums me out, but it does. It also reminds me of a trivia night a couple weeks ago when they were the answer to a bonus question (word of the day Jennie got it right!).

* Dear makers of falafel's: I appreciate that you want to show me the beauty and greatness of your ingredients, however; some things can be too crunchy. You are supposed to be creamy and smooth in the center while crunchy on the outside, like a nutritious hush puppy. I am not interested in being able to pick out grains you may have added to yourself to feel more important. Please refrain from this in the future. Thank you.

The New (Old) Rules of Dating

So, last nights first date went off well even though I may have had one too many gin & tonics, but we'll get to that in a second. There are a few things about dating that stick out in my mind, most of them learned from my father. His dating life began in the mid-60s and the lessons and manners he acquired there were passed on to me. Not a lot, I mean, who wants to talk to their Dad about boys, but enough. In many ways, it's the essence of a "Mad Men" kind of existence. Maybe that's why I've always been fascinated with that period.

1) Guy's usually ask girls- This is not to say the reverse (or some version thereof) isn't true, but it's the exciting exception not the rule. My father's take is that women want a strong man who can make decisions and isn't afraid of rejection. I kinda agree.

2) Dates should be made several days in advance & confirmed- If a guy does this, I'm impressed. It sounds so simple and obvious, but we (ladies) have all been asked out for the following day or worse, the day of. My date was made on Monday for Thursday. He called on Tuesday to confirm I wasn't "just being nice" (I explained that I am never nice for the niceness sake. See #4), then again Thursday afternoon to finalize. Preparation is key, so is the implied respect for your "busy" schedule.

3) Whoever asks, pays- It is important thought to always have $20 or a good credit card in case he turns into a loser or decides to go dutch. Again, be prepared.

4) Self-deprecation is a turn off for everyone- Seriously. This includes but is not limited to: "I can't believe you agreed to go out with me." "I never thought you would say yes." "I know I'm not your type..." Stay away from the Debbie Downer shit too- no one wants to hear about how your cat died, or you hate your job, or just got out of the hospital after your "little accident". Save it for later.

5) Don't drink too much/get drunk- This one didn't come from my Dad in those words, I take it from his traditional good bye of "keep your wits about you and watch your six", but I think the sentiment works perfectly here. Patti Stanger has it right with this one! Drinking too much can lead to anything from kissing someone you shouldn't (or worse!) to puking in the restaurant bathroom- Not that I've done either of those things... It can also inhibit your ability to self-edit or remember what a great or horrible time you had. I'm pretty bad at this one as I tend to have a few cocktails when I'm nervous, but at least I don't have a "calming dose" before the date anymore- that always led to trouble!

That's pretty much it. Obviously, don't be a douche (that goes for everyone) and make sure you listen and don't just talk. All of these rules should guarantee a second date if it's wanted.

What rules/advice do you have??

Let's Get a Bit Serious...

... Just for a second, I promise! I've got my first date in I can't even tell you how long coming up tonight and as you may or may not have figured out, I'm a bit of a mess. Strangers confuse and dismay me. This person doesn't really fall into that category, but as we've never had a real conversation, he might as well be. What the heck fire do people talk about on dates?

Things I think are probably bad conversation starters:
- Anything having to do with my last date/boyfriend
- Why men sometimes suck
- This weird pimple I got right under my ear two days ago
- Religion
- The icelandic volcano
- Babies
- My filthy apartment or why I can't have nice things
- Anything baby sized
- His last girlfriend
- Politics
- The film "300"- I hated it, most guys did not
- Families, past a general acknowledgement that I have one
- Age
- My natural hair colour
- My cat, and why he's trying to kill me (on 2nd thought, that might be amusing and should probably go below)

Things I think are probably Okay to talk about:
- My cat, and why he's trying to kill me
- Any movie other than the one mentioned above
-
-
- ????????

Seriously, a little help?!

WWQTW?- All About Eve

Monday was the 2nd annual WWQTW? meeting, and it was a total success! We ate delicious food and watched "All About Eve".

FUN FACTS:

Released in 1950, it garnered 14 Oscar nominations and snagged the Best Picture, Best Screenplay, Best Director, and Best Supporting Actor- George Sanders. It is the only film in which 4 woman were nominated for acting awards for the same film. It won Best Film at that years BAFTA's, as well as the Golden Globe for Best Screenplay. When it premiered at Cannes Film Festival, it received a Special Jury Prize and Bette Davis won Best Actress. It is currently #28 on AFI's Top 100 Movies list and a must see! The director, Joseph Mankiewicz, is the only person to have won Best Screenplay and Best Director two years in a row (He won the previous year for "A Letter to Three Wives"). When Claudette Colbert injured herself shortly before shooting was set to begin, she was replaced by Bette Davis and the rest, as they say, is history!

Based on a short story by Mary Orr, "All About Eve" tells the story of veteran stage diva Margo Channing (Davis) and her relationship with a precocious fan, Eve (Anne Baxter). Eve has seen every performance of Margo's and waits for her patiently outside the stage door hoping for a glance at her idol. She befriends Margo's best friend Karen who introduces them. Eve is the best possible friend to have- she does whatever Margo asks of her ("This is how they dealt with stalkers in that day? Just embrace them?"- Lauren). Of course, nothing is as it seems. "All About Eve" is the seminal film about ruthless upstarts and show business. It is also a great example of female relationships both towards each other as well as the men that inhabit their lives. I think Megan said it best, "[The] complexity of female relationships and the guys didn't get it!" It certainly says a lot for Mankiewicz's talent as a writer! Eve effects, both positively and negatively, everyone she comes into contact with. If one person turns her out, she moves on to the next closest person and tries to integrate herself into their lives. It presents woman in a very modern way while still holding strong to the beliefs and conventions of the time. Margo is unhappy and single; she does everything in her power to push her beau away (tres modern). Karen is blissfully naive and married (repressed). They all drink and smoke and cavort in ways that are more than simply "implied, it's obvious" (thanks Lauren)!

My favorite quote from the group came from Stacy, out illustrious host: "hell, I'd marry his dead corpse, it's still better..." I really wish I had written down the context of this remark, so if you were there please let me know!

Our groups was enamoured of the writing style immediately and kept taking notes of clever dialog throughout the viewing. The acerbic wit spouted by Davis and the other characters (George Sanders' DeWitt, a newspaper critic, is a close 2nd for the best lines) would be best described as Parker-esque (see: Dorothy Parker). A few of my favorites:

"With Eddie gone, my life went back to beer"- Eve

"Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy ride" -Margo (one of the most famous movie quotes ever)

"Why do they always look like unhappy rabbits?"

"Because that's what they are"- Miss Caswell (Marilyn Monroe in her 1st film) to DeWitt

"Everybody has a heart, except some people" -Margo

"Groom, may I have a wedding present"?

"What would you like? Texas?" - Margo to Bill

RECOMMENDED VIEWING:

The Player, All About My Mother, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Stage Door, A Star is Born (1937), Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?

Next month, I promised to pick a modern (i.e. in colour) film. I'm still not sure how mean I feel like getting, but I think something a bit obscure is called for. The whole point, as I see it, of WWQTW? is not only to expose it's participants to the films they should have seen; but also to those that many haven't seen. It is only in encompassing smaller genres or big names in little pictures, that one can call themselves a cinephile. It is my goal to get at least half of the group to feel confident enough to label themselves that within a year!

And It Only Takes Me 10 Minutes

I'm not sure if it's the approach of summer or what, but there has been a lot of buzz on the interwebs regarding skin care and recommended products. The always radiant Natalie listed her favorites and has been blogging a lot about beauty in general lately (she's definitely worth checking out)! I wrote my own take on a "Dear Abby" in February answering the most common questions/complaints I received as a make-up artist.

So, who am I if not an amateur bandwagon jumper?

***NOTE: This is what I use and may not be appropriate for your skin type or concerns. I have normal to oily super fair skin. My main concerns are even skin tone and texture, sporadic outbreaks, and age prevention. If you have different skin or concerns, you may need different products (which I will be happy to recommend), just let me know!

[side note: The first step to developing your own skin care routine is knowing what type of skin you have (or combination there of): Dry, Normal, Oily, Damaged. To determine your skin type, wash your face as you would normally and do not apply anything afterwards. Start checking to see how it feels at 2, 5, and 10 minutes later.

DRY skin is often described as dusty in appearance (not flaky) and may feel tight even with moisturizer. It will begin to feel tight and uncomfortable immediately following cleansing and will not feel better without moisturizer/serums.

NORMAL skin may have areas of oily or dry skin (there are those pesky combos), but will overall feel comfortable. It may feel a bit tight after cleansing but will start to feel better after 10 minutes.

OILY skin is often described as shiny or flaky in appearance. On the positive, it is the least likely to wrinkle! It will begin to feel comfortable after cleansing in 2-5 minutes.

DAMAGED skin is any one of the above with additional concerns like deep lines/wrinkles, sun spots, acne, etc.

AM ROUTINE:

Face Scrub: Clinique 7 Day Scrub (a couple times a week)

Cleanser: Neutrogena Oil-Free Redness Soothing Cleanser

Serum: Clinique Total Turnaround

Eye Cream: Kiehl's Abbyssine Eye Cream

Moisturizer: Clinique Superdefense SPF 25 Normal-Dry ( I also like Neturogena Healthy Defense SPF 30)

Sunscreen: Neutrogena Ultra Sheer Dry Touch SPF 70 (for everyday), Coppertone Sport SPF 50 (for poolside)

PM ROUTINE:

Same as above except Cleanser: Laura Mercier Cleansing Oil Light

Make-up Remover: Neutrogena Oil-Free Eye Make-up Remover or Almay Oil-Free Eye Makeup remover pads

Acne Spot Treatment: Neutrogena Rapid Clear Acne Eliminating Spot Treatment

MAKEUP:

Foundation: Estee Lauder Camouflage Makeup (doubles as concealer) or Bobbie Brown Smooth Skin (if I know I'll be photographed)

Eye Concealer: Laura Mercier secret concealer

Eyeshadow Base: Laura Mercier Metallic Creme Eye Shadow (also comes in a sateen version)

Shadow: All of them! Mostly Laura Mercier (Whiskey, Sherazade), Urban Decay (X, Heat, Mary Jane), Stila (Kitten, Golightly)

Eyeliner: pencil- YSL Kohl crayon, cake/liquid- Laura Mercier cake liner, creme- Stila smudge pot

Mascara: CoverGirl LashBlast (love!) and LashBlast Length

Lash Curler: Shu Uemura

Powder: Laura Mercier Secret Brightening Powder (only under eyes and to set liner)

Brows: Laura Mercier Eye Brow Pencil (go a shade lighter than your natural color)

Blush: NARS Orgasim, Bobbie Brown Pale Pale Pink or Tangerine

Lip Liner: Clinique Sheer Lip Liner

Lipstick: I love MAC, Estee Lauder, Laura Mercier, and Chanel

Lip Gloss: Laura Mercier Lip Glace and Kiehl's #1 Lip Balm

My Secret: Estee Lauder Spotlight (super expensive but adds a glow to any skin tone! For a less expensive version, try MAC Strobe Cream)

* Everything is applied with my hands or a brush- never a sponge!