Sunday, April 25, 2010

Chelsea! What Are You Doing?!

What should have been a 20 minute trip at most, turned into 45 while we tried to get to Chelsea Handler. Whoever decided there should be one exit, a one-lane exit mind you, that lead to both the Nokia Theatre (sorry, the Verizon Center) and Lone Star Park must have been on drugs. He should ask for a refund, because whatever he was taking must have gone bad. Amusing us as we moved .8 miles in 25 minutes were at least 7 single shoes on the side of the road (and an intestine). Where were the shoe pairs? Wouldn't you notice you were missing your right shoe? What the heck happened on the side of the road?

When we finally arrived, the scene inside was no better. If you are not already a fan of Chelsea Handler or her show "Chelsea Lately", first off- What's wrong with you? Secondly, she is a big fan of drinking and vodka (especially Belvedere). So, why is there only 1 bartender per line who is making drinks and ringing people up? We stood there for a hour waiting to get beer. We missed her opener, Brad Wolack; which doesn't bum me out so much but still. How is that acceptable? We wasted some time bitching with the people around us and taking our picture next to the Cardboard Chelsea set up next to the merch table.

Armed with our 2- 24oz Miller Lites, we head off in search of our seats. It is pitch black inside. The first usher I walked up to told me I went in the wrong way (which was the way the ticket taker told me to go), and to talk to the next usher. So, I walked over to her. No big deal. She pointed to where our seats were and up I went. Again, I couldn't see a thing- not the row number, not the seat number, nothing. My seat seemed not to be next to my buddies, so I asked the two people separating us if they would mind scooting down. They made a big deal out of getting up and when I leaned in to say thanks, the woman told me I was rude. Uh, okay lady- suck it. The 4th member or our unhappy gang arrived and there was no seat for her. What was going on? Rude childish lady told us we were in the wrong section so we shuffled off to the other end of the row where there were empty seats. Of course, nothing can end well just yet. The pseudo-Christians I was sitting next to kept commenting on how inappropriate our laughter was. Why are you here?!!!!!

"Every girl has hidden a shadoobie"
Thankfully, my 1st 24oz can was there to comfort me, and the show began. I have one beef with Chelsea- Why you breaking the code, girl? Chelsea has cracked our game wide open. According to her (and confirmed by every female in the room, which was substantial), at some point you (lady) or someone you know (another lady) has hidden a shadoobie- whether you immediately left the party to go home, threw it out the window, or held it in- we don't go #2. Failing to comply with this rule can result in an unintended breakup with your boyfriend when the toilet breaks and there is no plunger in sight. The "token" guy sitting with us (my friend Lauren's boyfriend) could not stop laughing- He had no idea anything like this was going on. Of course, we all laughed and nodded knowingly to each other.

"Do you think it's okay to drink while pregnant... If you're planning to give it up for adoption?"
Much of her show recounted stories she wrote about in her latest book but in more (or better) detail. The break-up with her boyfriend, and CEO of her network, was chronicled there; though she was not as nice last night. From reading her book, I assumed he had broken up with her and all of her crazy shenanigans. Now it seems, she broke up with him because he didn't get her crazy shenanigans. Either way, she almost wet herself twice while talking about it. There is nothing better than a comedian who cracks themselves up, especially when talking about something they already wrote about and have probably mentioned at every show. Girl needs to get some Carefree.

"You can't expect to be date raped over a frappuccino"
The above is the reason why meeting for coffee is not an acceptable first date option. As I said, it's drink or be drunk in the Chelsea lexicon and coffee is not on the menu. I have to seriously agree. The only people I'm meeting for coffee are my girlfriends, and even then I'd suggest a bar instead. No one over the age of 21 should have coffee dates unless they're a hippie. In the wise words of Chelsea (and many other's), "I'm not drinking to be funny, I'm drinking to make you funnier"

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