***The following video along with some of the text is NSFW (That's not suitable for work people) and should be viewed with caution. I, the writer of this blog, do not agree, condone, or condemn any of the quoted statements below. So, if you are fragile of heart or mind stop reading here.***
I've got you know huh?
Wednesday is usually filled with nothing more than random trivia questions and answers. [side note: After my two week absence due to illness and such, we (i.e. "Panty Puddin'", and no I did not name our team) are back on top. Now, if only we can hold on.]
This past Wednesday however was the exception. Wednesday was when my little group of ragamuffins met Eddie. Wearing a pair of dirty jeans and red Rangers cap, from behind he would have appeared to fit in with our group perfectly. It wasn't until you came around and saw his lopsided, toothless grin that you knew something was off. Eddie was the kind of guy who was probably 52 but on a bad day looked 65. His life was written on his face and it was punctuated by gulps of a Shiner Bock.
Eddie invited himself to sit down at our table and immediately my Stranger Danger went off. Thankfully, my buddy Smalls doesn't have the same problem. We were talking about something un-PC and Eddie just chimed in. He was ready with some wisdom and a joke on any taboo topic. It got to a point that I don't remember what he said, I was laughing so hard. It didn't even occur to me to start writing some of his gems down until half way through. Luckily, my other buddy Moe kept his head and captured almost every moment with his iPhone. The following video is one take from the evening. Apologies in advance, at one point Eddie was so funny Moe dropped the phone:
A few, un-PC, often racist dropped knowledge from Eddie:
"Put your white train in my chocolate sundae."
"I'm not into cougars, I'm into saber tooths. Hum it and gum it."
"Take out your dentures, I'm ready to go."
[side note: Eddie seemed obsessed with toothless women. Perhaps because he himself had such a grin.]
"I'm conquering my ass some Incas, 'cuz I'm not wearing pants!"
The worst story Eddie knew when prompted. It truly is gross:
"This girl wanted to go to the latest popular movie so she asked her dad for $7. 'Sure,' he said, 'If you suck my dick.' 'Oh, come on dad!' the girl protested. [This went on for a while]. After an hour and a half (that's one hour and 30 minutes to you guys), the girl gave in and her dad pulled down his pants. 'Ew! Why does your dick taste like ass?' 'Cuz your brother was here half an hour earlier wanting to go to the same move.'"
[I really needed a shower after that one.]
Eventually, Eddie began repeating his stories and we wondered off (more like scurried) to greener pastures. It certainly was a sight and a hell of a good, awkward, politically incorrect time.