Thursday, July 16, 2009

Sympathy Puppies

It seems girls my age all have marriage and babies on the brain. They’re either getting married, want to get married, why aren’t they married! They want a baby, they’re having a baby, they’re stealing your baby! I don’t care. Can’t my life simply have the grand aspiration of becoming Goldie Hawn or Angie Jolie?? I’m talking to you Mom- go bug your youngest child who actually cares and wants all the same things you do. She’s already your doppelganger now leave me alone! (I’m sure there are men with similar yearnings, but I only know one and he’s a wack-a-do).

Hell, I’m not very girlie. Granted, I love make-up and dress up, but I’d much rather get dolled up, drink beer, watch two grown men flirt w/each other (I’m talking to you MMA!) then hang out with a bunch of ladies. Giggling. Being loud and annoying. Urgh. Ironic that I founded a ladies book club isn’t it? However, I will admit to one total act of girlishness. Small animals. Tiny animals. Animals sticking their tongues out at me. Tiny animals waiving. I want. That’s it- I want. I don’t really care what, but preferably cute and cuddly. This is what lead to my latest online obsessions, namely and

The former brought on an eight-hour desire to breed and raise bunnies. So cute and adorable. Never mind that they bite, and poop everywhere, and I have it on good authority they smell. I want! Thankfully my sister was there to talk me down and explain how irresponsible I was.
“You do realize they smell? And make noise? And you have to clean up after them?”
“No! They’re adorable! I want! Anyway, I saw these metal domes you can get so you can keep them outside. They can run and jump and be free!”
“Um… You live in an apartment. Where you gonna do this exactly?”
Of course, she was right, and I settled for saving and emailing pictures of bunnies (and hedgehogs, and baby goats) to everyone I know. I’m surprised they haven’t had me committed yet.

The second website has now taken over my life, kept me up at night, and ruined me for all other sites. Icanhas (as we in the know call it- I know, don’t say anything, I'm ashamed too) takes pictures of animals and makes captions for them. Sounds harmless, kinda stupid. Oh no. It is addictive, obsessive, and contagious. I blame my friend M. Because of her I’ve seen every posted page on that site (over 352) until there were no more pictures to see. Then, a miracle: You can vote for the pics, and see upcoming ones, and make your own, and my head just exploded!

At work, it seems everyone is getting a puppy and they all want to bring them by and show me: a lab puppy, a shih tzu, a mutt. The tipping point came when I discovered the twin beagle puppies tripping trough the grass. They were maybe 8 weeks old and I swear, my uterus dropped. I tried to hide one in my shirt but the damned owner had eagle eyes and caught me! I tried putting one in my purse the next time but was foiled again. Don’t these people know that I need, I WANT, their puppies?! I promise to give them back when they grow up and are not as cute. Come on!! Everyone else wants babies or husbands or boyfriends. I’ll take the last one, but only if it comes with a side of shiba inu.

PS- google search “Entlebucher Sennenhund” or “Entlebucher mountain dog”. Gimme!!


  1. What are the odds that you also have 50+ stuffed animals on your bed?

  2. I feel exactly the same way about husbands and children. I don't know how many more times I can tell my grandmother that she's barking up the wrong tree if she thinks she's getting great-grandchildren out of me.

    I do know that bunnies smell though. I want a puppy, but I also want to be able to do whatever I want.

  3. Ha ha! I would say slim to none on animals of the stuffed variety- hate 'em. I collect sinister, evil, twisted things. Oh, and statues of the Virgin Mary. Just to keep my karma up