Monday, November 30, 2009

When I Fall Apart

I got up from the couch last night to refill my wine and my knees crackled. My left leg ached all day. Sunday's "American Dad" episode was especially funny when Stan recommended a stripper get a banana inside her. She had a leg cramp, to be fair. I fell like I'm falling apart.

Momma, don't let your babies grow up to be dancers.

Last summer, I was discussing my body aches and pains when my Aunt delivered a tough shot of reality. Apparently, we have bad joints. What was helpful when I was a dancer and useful as I got older, is becoming my curse. I'm double jointed. This means when I stand with my legs straight, they actually curve backwards like a bird. This allowed for my uncanny flexibility, but is also the likely culprit for my current break down. Compounded with the realization I'm getting older and less docile, it's enough to get a girl really depressed.

My anxiety manifests itself in a clenching of the jaw. I asked a dental hygienist about this once, and she told me simply to stop. As if it were as easy as breathing. So, I just need to stop a subconscious action? Great advice. Let me get right on that.

It wouldn't be much of an issue except when I'm trying to eat or kiss someone. There is nothing worse than lockjaw while you're eating a Chicken Caesar Wrap from Chick-fil-a, or the embarrassment of a constant clicking sound whilst making out in the front seat of your car. It's very attractive.

I think I need to go get a banana in me.


  1. My jaw totally clicks all the time. Stupid TMJ.

    And I have arthritis in my hips and have since I was 17 or so. It's awesome, let me tell you. I'm like a little old lady when it rains or gets cold.

  2. Me too! We should start an Old Hags Club. We'll sit around, yell at rowdy children, talk about the good old days (back when I could pirouette without ending up on my broad rear), and eat prunes. Great times.

  3. YOu ever watch Monty Python? My sister says when I get old, I should start a granny gang. Look helpless at street corners, then steal the wallet of the poor sap who tries to help me cross the street. Hide behind trees in parks and jump joggers. Hilarious stuff, and it looks like I'm recruiting more and more future grannies for the cause!

  4. I'm in for the granny cause and I can be the added ice skater in the mix. "They" told us growing up that making it to 21 without a hip replacement surgery (from our stupid jump landings) would be an accomplishment. Well I did, but now they crack-a-lack every 5 seconds. So give me a cane and a reason to bitch and I'm in!

    Also this, "I think I need to go get a banana in me." Made me spit water on my computer in laughter. Loved it.

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