"Words of Wisdom" by Kevin Smith

Last night, Kevin Smith regaled House of Blues with his presence. It was wonderful! My lovely friend Lauren gifted me with tickets for my birthday. We sat 4th row center- best seats ever!! He opened the show with a crude and hilarious anecdote about masturbation and his wife, then opened the floor to questions. Considering this is the same format he does for all his shows, it was funny to see him get tripped up on which mic got to speak next. Needless to say, the audience was with him to help out in any way we could. Today's list features highlights of last nights performance:

* The poor debate teacher- For an additional fee, tickets were sold for a meet and greet after the show. Unfortunately, Smith didn't know about it and doesn't do that sort of thing. If you want something signed, simply leave it on the edge of the stage and he'll get to it. She asked how he felt about being worth $25 and his response was, "good". From there, it went downhill for the teach we was treated to jokes about inappropriate relations with students (made better by the fact that one of them was in the audience with his mom), and trying to get her laid. He even offered up his hotel suite to make it happen. It didn't.

* Someone asked him about weight and why he didn't "just get the surgery". His response: portion control, but not in the way you might expect. You see, it all boils down to this: Cereal is the devil. You make a delicious bowl of cereal, enjoy it, but then there's always milk left over. That seems like a waste, so you add more cereal. Then, there's not enough milk, so you add a bit more, and before you know it you've eaten an entire box. Love it!

* Batman is emo. (Sorry, there was more, but I was laughing so hard, neither Lauren or I remembered the rest of the punchline. I think that's enough though really. Love it squared!)

* Denton is one of his Top 10 Places. I know, weird. After "Chasing Amy", he said it was a "perfect blissful memory" when he visited. However, he "should never go again". I agree, you can never go back or home. What if it sucks? "This is a shit hole"- I believe in joking response to Dallas.

* He waxed poetic about his upcoming film "A Couple of Dicks" (Though that may not be the title when it comes out due to the offensive nature of the word "dicks". These are the same people who would probably try to censor "Dick Tracy" if they could. Jeez- get over it. We get it's a double entendre, but come on). He says it's "'Lethal Weapon" with 60% less action". He has a lot to say about Bruce Willis as well, or as he calls him, "Captain", short for "Captain Chuffah" (spelling?). Apparently, his favorite thing is to look at the shot list and sides for the day (usually about 6 pages) and say "chuffah" as he throws most of them away. In the end, you're left with 2 pages and a half day. Kinda nice, but certainly distracting for a director. Hi reasoning is brilliant though- He (Willis) has been doing this same shit for 25 years. He's got a pretty good idea what's going to make it into the movie. Why waste everyones time and money shooting crap? To his credit, it turned out he was right and Smith had no problems editing the film. After watching his last DVD where he talked about his experience working on "Die Hard", I wondered why he thought it would be any different this time? Perhaps, insanity?

* A guy wanted an autograph but didn't bring a pen or paper (love those guys). "Show your little fried eggs!" Smith replied. Who doesn't love a good "Fame" reference?

* My favorite line of the night was also the most poignant: "You can either do it, or you cannot. You can't be taught. You're a writer or director, or you're not". This sentiment has been echoed by many over the years and I think it's one of the best pieces of advice anyone can give, regardless of what you're attempting. What are you best at? What do you enjoy most? What can you not live without doing? If you're not sure, keep looking. If you are, start doing. For anything else is a lie. My father recently said something similar to me, "I can't wait to see what you'll be when you grow up". It was especially moving to me, as I've been struggling with this the most recently. I'm not happy with what I'm doing, but I'm paralyzed by fear and a defeatist attitude. Now is the time to quit it! How very Yoda. You are or you are not. If you can think of anything else in the world you'd rather be doing, do it.