"I tried to look at all 'o these people as individuals. 'tis made it difficult because I didnt be knowin' everythin' 'bout their personal lives. I knew 'o Parker 'n th' Algonquin Round Table, how I wished to be seated thar one evenin'. Helen Keller 'n her political set the sails, Beethovens struggles wit' his salty sea-dog 'o a father 'n other peoples opinions, Poes bottomless depression, but extra wee 'bout th' others, except I loved their set the sails. What could I use to tie them together? th' only thin' that sprang to mind was each 'o their effects on me as a person. They have found a way to touch me soul whar no one else was allowed to reach. It seemed as if a cold fin'er had pricked me heart 'n scarred me in a way that I found pleasant. Each became exceptional 'n forced me to show emotion, which; I had seen as a weakness all me life."
Apparently, as a pirate, I'm really obsessed with setting the sails.
*I love misheard song lyrics. The other day at our neighborhood bar, I could have sworn the lyric to an Old '97s song was "I'll put a butthole in your heart". That didn't sound particularly pleasant or enjoyable for either party.
*There's this taco stand near my house called Tacos Y Mas. It used to look like your typical, run of the mill, grungy taco stand until they painted it in bright red and white stripes like this:
The point of the story isn't that this place now looks more like a Jiffy Lube than a taco stand; the point is what's on the sign: Fish Quesadillas. I don't know what brainiac thought that one up but I have two words for them: gross!
* I often wonder if screenwriters say the lines they've written out loud. You know, to hear how it sounds. This thought crossed my mind again while watching "Cadillac Records" last night. "Don't worry about where I'm from. My wife's gonna drive a Cadillac!" Seriously? Read that aloud. I'll give you a moment. See also: Any time the title of the movie is used as a line within the movie, usually around the beginning of the third act. It might do them some good to purchase a Dictaphone and read the sides aloud. Perhaps they have a friend they haven't run off yet who would read with them. A couple of beers and a pizza could do some good. See also: excessive use of voice over. That's just lazy.
* Why am I always getting felt up (and not in a nice sexy way)? At book club the other day, my friend totally felt me up, I think on accident. This may have been a result of our favorite line that day, "Can I fall into your vagina?" Several months ago at a work happy hour, one of my bosses kept feeling me up. She thought it was hilarious how weirded out I was. Come on people! Unless you are of the male persuasion, keep your grubby mitts to yourself.
* Old words in new ways: "I totally Wells Fargo'd that meal"
* "We've had a very happy marriage, I'm just saying." - A Korean woman on why she's kept a machete hidden from her husband.
* Why'd the little girl fall off the swings? Because she had no arms. (The cleanest joke I heard all week)
* When there's a lull in the conversation, yell out "ausfahrt". Trust me when I tell you, it will get the conversation going again!
[side note: my friend Lauren is learning German and I spent the better part of the day in her car learning along with her. "Ausfahrt" is our new favorite word. It means "exit". Coming in a close second is "gebaude" which rhymes with goiter and means building.]
* A young man in Britain was asked to remove his hood while shopping in a Tesco supermarket. Apparently, he is the founder of the Church of Jediism and refused to remove his hood as it was religious garb. He has issued a letter of complaint and is threatening to boycott the store. The bet part of this story is that there is an officially recognized Church of Jediism with some 400,000 members. Uh huh. Even better is this response from the supermarket: "He hasn’t been banned. Jedis are very welcome to shop in our stores although we would ask them to remove their hoods…Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Luke Skywalker all appeared hoodless without ever going over to the Dark Side and we are only aware of the Emperor as one who never removed his hood…If Jedi walk around our stores with their hoods on, they’ll miss lots of special offers." The full story can be read here .
* I dug up this picture of me from senior year: