Thursday, October 8, 2009

Help! My Neighbors are Satanists (or just really loud)

I am famous the world over for the inability to translate from person to type. Ask me to write as a missionary, assassin, or bored housewife, and I will prevail. If I write as myself, in my own personality, it always falls short. I come across as obscene, or blunt, or unfunny. Sarcasm does not easily translate. Part of the goal of this blog is to help mend and reform these shortcomings. Below is a letter I’m drafting to the management of my apartments. Please let me know if I come off crazy or insipid. Suggestions are welcome and most appreciated. I promise not to bite:

Dear Management,
In all my years living in apartments, I have never written a letter or called on a fellow resident. As an employee of an apartment complex myself, I hear a lot of things from residents on noise.
Since the residents of [redacted] moved in about a week ago, I’ve been disturbed by loud noises at all hours of the day and night. I ignored it at first, moving in and arranging furniture makes noise; I’m sympathetic to that. However, it has persisted far longer than normal and at inappropriate times. Loud stomping, running, bangs, scraps, drilling, can be regularly heard all day long, even after 9 PM (which is usually considered the beginning of the quiet hours). The noises are so loud that they reverberate through my apartment causing my own furniture to vibrate. I’m worried about my possessions breaking. I’m sure you can agree this is excessive.
I went upstairs Wednesday night to introduce myself and address the noise. Before I could knock on the door, their dog rushed out barking and growling at me. He is not very big, medium sized, but that is big enough to do damage or possibly cause me to fall down the stairs. Dogs are supposed to be on a leash in public areas per city ordinance. Regardless, I introduced myself and said, “This must be all the noise I’m hearing. My furniture is vibrating”, motioning to the dog and a small child she was carrying. She smiled at me as a friend tried to restrain the dog, but did not apologize. I know I was being a bit passive aggressive, but I really thought they would try to keep it down that night. They did not. If anything, it was louder.
I have lived here a while. They are my third neighbors, and I have never had a problem with anyone before. The previous two residents also had dogs (larger than this one), and I barely heard them. I do not know what is going on upstairs, but there is no reason for stomping on the floor, dropping boxes, and running back and forth at 11:27 PM. I thought someone was going to fall through the ceiling! This has become a real problem and I don’t know what else to do.
Please speak with them regarding apartment etiquette. Perhaps they have never lived in a vintage building and do not realize how sound travels.
I don’t like to complain, this is certainly one of my least favorite parts of my job, but it needs to be addressed. Thank you for your assistance and support in this manner. I look forward to enjoying some relative piece in my apartment again. If you need to speak with me further on this matter, please call [redacted].

So, what do you think? I’m at my wits end! They are driving me crazy. I actually kept a log of all the noise they make. I started writing the above letter at 9:oo PM and was still writing things down at 11:27 AM. Today at lunch, it sounded like they were playing fetch with the dog in the house. That was the only thing I could think of to explain the banging I heard. I’m not in much of a mood for shit like this right now….


  1. yes, they sound like satanists! That letter sounds pretty good to me. I would send it! Or, try to talk to the neighbors again? This is what you get for living in Murderville:-}

    ps come visit me!!

  2. I've had really horrendous luck with upstairs neighbors. And once, with a downstairs neighbor. I hate to complain about anything, but you have to do something when it gets out of control.